If I seem a little cranky this morning it is due to a new European scientific report that purports that short people are more prone to heart problems than tall people. In fact, the study claims that short people have a 50% higher risk of heart problems or dying of one (which certainly could be considered a “problem”) than tall people.
At 5’7″ in height, I have never considered myself short, and the authors of this study agree; they define “short” as anyone under 5′ 3″ and “tall” as anyone over 5′ 9″ . However, I have great empathy for short people ever since Randy Newman dissed them some years ago. (Don’t you love guys with speech impediments who make fun of other people!) But, my empathy aside, here is one of my problems with the study…what about us guys in-between?? The 5-foot 7-inch guys?? Or the 5-foot 4-inch, 5-foot 8- inch…etc.?? What are our odds?? They absolutely disregard the concerns of 50% of the world’s population?? (I just made up that number, but prove me wrong!) Or…what if you’re 5-foot, 3-and a half-inches tall?
Here’s another problem I have with the study…the lead author was Tuula Paajanen from Tumpere University. First, I make it a habit never to trust anyone with successive vowels in both their first and last name and, second, who the hell has ever heard of Tumpere University? My, shall I say skepicism, in her study was summed up in her attempt at consoling short people. ”Height is only one factor”, she wrote, noting that other factors like smoking and excercising and diet may come into play and suggested that short people concentrate on those issues since, “those are easier to change than your height!” Gee, Doc, do you think??
It is studies like this that make me more than ever convinced that when I’m King, I’m only going to allow scientific reports that seek to solve important issues. So, please feel free to e-mail me at john@wryontherrocks.com if you have an issue you feel worthy of government funding. Here are some issues that have been bothering me:
- why can’t we keep Kate Gosselin off television
- why can’t I find any blue food at the supermarket
- why is my left foot slightly larger than my right foot
- why do I need three remotes for one television; none of which seem to work
- why do big fat people always have little bitty dogs
- why doesn’t Disney realize no matter how many ways he bends the line I still know it takes an hour to get into “Space Mountain”
- why is NASCAR so popular
(This guy just realized he’s 4 foot 11)
