Wry On The Rocks

    A big shout out to Michelle Obama who announced a joint collaboration with Walmart to reduce the amount of caloric laden food stuffs that the mega-chain sells to un-suspecting mothers and children.

     Her press conference came this morning following a state dinner with China President Hu Jintao which consisted of Maine Lobster, lemon sorbet, rib-eye steak, double stuffed potatoes and apple pie with vanilla ice cream…total calorie count =2400.

     It’s OK, though.  According to a spokesperson for the First Lady, “Walmart doesn’t sell double stuffed potatoes”.

Amazon has started a new program that allows members to convert “Aunt Mildred’s” gifts into gift certificates, i.e. you can register anyone who habitually sends you unwanted gifts and have, not only the gift turned into a cash coupon, but also a nice thank you card sent for the unreceived gift.  I hope Mr. Zuckerman is listening.

What is really needed is a Facebook program that allows you to block folks you don’t care to befriend without their knowledge.  Instead, Facebook will welcome them on your behalf and periodically send messages from you like..”just returned from snow shoeing at the North Pole on our way to ride Orca’s in Tahiti.  But hey, what have you been up to?”

You have to give Dutton Publishing  the prize for the hyper hype of the year ( if not the century).  In promoting Ken Follett’s latest opus which they will release on September 29th, the publisher trumpets in 3-color large print ads, that THE BOOK OF THE CENTURY HAS ARRIVED! 

Now, this could be  a contestable claim even if they had  released the book in December of 1999, but with another 90 years to go in this century…Well, let’s just say that now I don’t expect anything else worth reading out of Dutton until at least  2100!

(Since they have obviously spent so much money on the campaign I won’t steal their thunder by naming the book itself, but ask your bookstore if they have stocked THE BOOK OF THE CENTURY and see what they say!)

    The next time you need to buy a computer should you  believe the claims of Steve Jobs or Bill Gates regarding their product?  Or should you believe the Oracle of Omaha prognostications regarding investments? 

     Kang Lee, director the Institute of Child Study at University of Toronto, has released a study that tracked children who lie versus those youngsters who tell the truth.  The study makes the claim that children who lie as early as age two have faster developing brains than their peers; they are merely exhibiting their mental acuity.  This, according to Mr. Lee , will lead to greater intellectual achievements.  Thus, Mr. Lee goes on to exclaim,  parents should not be concerned if their little darling tells a fib. 

     So remember, the next time you hear someone protest that your toddler is a little lying bastard, simply take it as the ultimate compliment and start pricing vacation condos.

     The most annoying television commercial of the week has to be courtesy of National Floors Direct.  The female spokesperson was fairly appealing….the first 2,000 times I saw the ad.  Then she started to wear on me.  Now she drives me out of the room!  She actually makes me  miss Billy Mays. 

     But here’s what really gets me about the commercial….their claim to “next day installation.”  Now this is the same claim made by a competitor, Empire Today.  While Empire couldn’t afford a real live spokesperson, relying instead on a little cartoon spokesperson and an annoying jingle, they too offer ”next day installation.”

     Now, here’s my question.  Just how many unemployed hardwood floor and rug installers are there in the country?  I mean these are national companies and they’re promising anyone in America, “next day installation”?  What do they have, a busload of immigrants waiting in back of every Wal-Mart across the country just waiting to nail down some boards in your home?  When was the last time you needed some work done in your house and your contractor said, “oh yeah I can come tomorrow.  I mean what the hell, I’m not doing anything else this month!”

     Billy Mays may have offered a money back guarantee on a product with an average three-day life span, but even he knew better than to promise “next day installation.”