Wry On The Rocks

I just received a call from the head of the Boston Firefighters Union this morning offering me a job with the Department. Apparently he heard about my accident earlier this summer when I broke 5 ribs falling down some stairs at home. With no witnesses.

“You’re a natural for our Department,” he claimed and brushed off my objections that I had no experience fighting fires nor had I ever been in a body building contest. “On top of that” I explained, “I’m allergic to Dalmatians.

“Perfect”, he responded, “your first pension check is in the mail!”

Former firefighter and bodybuilder Albert Arrioyo defended by Timothy Watkins, was acquitted of fraud charges by a federal jury.  Despite the fact that he claimed he fell down stairs (in an empty facility with no witnesses) suffering major back injuries  preventing him from any work , he was filmed lifting weights, working out and participating in body building contests.  Refusing a desk job back at the Boston Fire Department (he claimed it hurt to sit), Arroyo successfully applied for a tax-free annual pension of $65,000!

Attorney Watkins credited his closing statement to the jury as the deciding factor in his victory…”His back may not be so hot,” he argued, “but you gotta admit he’s got some kind of balls!”

I was referred to a new doctor this week regarding some continued issues steming from my accident in June. According to his framed diploma on the waiting room wall, my new doc is a graduate of Georgetown University Medical School.
As usual as a new patient, I was asked to complete several standard forms, the first of which wanted the standard info, name, address, etc.
The fourth blank space asked for the date of my birth which I dutifully filled in. This was immediately followed by a blank space asking for my age. That’s when I stood up to take another look at his diploma.
I had to ask myself how much I trust a doctor who can’t figure out my age when I give him my birth date.
I mean if he tells me to take 2 pills three times a day, does he really mean three pills twice a day…or one pill twice a week or…

I think when I get his bill, I’ll just pretend I didn’t notice the last two zeros!

I was cleaning out some old files last evening and ran across some jokes(?) that I submitted to Johnny Carson’s staff back in my NY days for his Carnac the Great routine…show your age and remember…Ed would announce the answer and Carnac would guess the question. Ready for 20-year-old corny…

A. Mistletoe
Q. Name an astronaut foot problem?
(rimshot)

A. At the bottom
Q. Where is the Atlantic the deepest?

A. A pair of slippers.
Q. What can you make by putting together two banana peels?

and finally…
A. Her baby is a little Bigger
Q. Who is bigger – Mrs. Bigger or her baby?

(rimshot and hook!)

Hey, I was 23

In a televised press conference today, President Obama blamed the S&P downgrade on earthquakes and said that the solution to our problem was quite simple. … ”What we need in DC is a change in ideology.” 

To that end, the President announced that he had just called Speaker Boehner and offered to run for President as a Republican.  No comment yet from the Speaker, but Tim Pawlenty immediately claimed to have the most experience in dealing with earthquakes.