Wry On The Rocks

Merav Opher, astophysicist at Boston University, has been tracking the Voyager 2 space craft lately with growing excitement.  The exploratory craft was launched by the US over 34 years ago and is on the verge of breaking out of our Solar System; the first man made object to do so.

While the exact time when the Voyager will accomplish that feat is not known, Opher is optimistic that it is very close to that goal.  To celebrate the news, the astrophysicist released the first photographs relayed back to earth from the crafts present postion, 11 billion miles away.

All of New England was thrilled to see  photos of the Stanley Cup outside a Starbucks.

For those of you too busy watching the stock market crash, you may have missed the news about another crash about to take place on the 23rd….NASA’s  7-ton UAR satellite.  Scheduled for an “uncontrolled” landing sometime that afternoon, NASA wants to assure everyone that there is no danger of any damage.  They have no idea where it, or parts of it, are going to land, but they’re sure it won’t be on you. 

To further allay any fears we might have, they have calculated the odds of the space junk (also love that phrasing….this is the stuff we spent 10 zillion dollars sending up there) hitting anyone.  For example, NASA estimates that the odds of someone getting hit is 1 in 3,200.  If they think those are long odds, they obviously don’t play the State lotteries. 

 Not reassured by those numbers,  I did some research on my own.  Since demographic scarcity is the basis for calculating the “hit” possibility…I figure;

The odds for anyone who thinks that Two and a Half Men doesn’t need a laugh track at 2-million to 1;

The odds for guys who actually remember their wedding anniversary ..4-million to 1;

The odds for anyone thinking that Bill O’Reilly is really looking out for them…5-million to 1;

The odds for anyone still happy they voted for Obama…9-million to 1;

The odds for any guy who wishes he had met Nancy Pelosi first…now we’ve moved from science to science fiction, but if this applies to you, you’ve got much bigger problems than being clobbered by space junk!

And finally, the odds of anyone, anywhere who can rationally explain the Kardashians …9-trillion to one.

President Obama released a statement today upon hearing that the stock market was down in triple digits following his speech last evening.  “I was just kidding,” the chief executive wrote, “I didn’t really mean all that shit I said last night, you know about building bridges and stuff with 427 Billion dollars…hell nobody wants to build any damn bridges, so I’m just gonna write all those unemployed a check for $10,000.”

He went on to state that, “realizing now that we need something different, something that will resonate with the  public, something we can all agree is in the best interests of America to  get this economy moving again,  I have decided to keep my mouth shut for the next 12 months!”

Who is designing  bills these days…you know, the ones we get in the mail with the return “remittance” below the dotted perforated line…the one you’re supposed to tear…that’s just above the pre-folded line of the bill itself?

In this age of electric cars, smart phones and frozen pizza, why can’t they get the perforated line to be the same as the already folded part of the bill?  They’re only 1/8 inch apart!!  Is that so hard?

I’ve had it with trying to carefully create my own crease so that I get a nice neat tear across the “dotted line”….from now on I’m tearing the remittence into tiny little pieces.   Let them figure out who the hell sent in the payment!

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that he is tearing down his current 2-bedroom house in La Jolla, California and building an 11,000 square foot mansion.  Since the current 2-bedroom has an estimated value of $12 million dollars, many critics are raising their eyebrows at such a show of wealth in these hard times. 

The cost of such an undertaking raised the obvious question by the media of what exactly was Mitt’s net worth.  A spokesperson said that Mitt estimated it somewhere “between $190 million and $250 million.”

Now, personally I have no problem with Mitt building a MacMansion on the Pacific shores.  Hell, it’s his money, let the guy build a 40,000 SF house if he wants.  What I do have a problem with is the fact that he can’t figure out how much he’s worth.  I certainly don’t expect him to know to the penny or even the closest 100 thousand.  Or maybe a million or two.  But he’s not even close!  Somewhere between $190 million and $250 million???  That’s a bleeping $60 million dollar spread!!  This is a guy who claims to be a business man??  Going to cure our debt problem??  What Mitt…you going to bring it down to somewhere between $5 trillion and $24 trillion??  Give or take??

I love you Mitt, but maybe you better call me when you get a better handle on your  finances.  The Federal buget could be just a tad more challenging.