Wry On The Rocks

Sarah Palin announced her “resignation” from the Republican primary race last evening.  Actually, she first made the announcement two weeks ago, but apparently the media had more important issues to deal with such as the demise of the Boston Red Sox, the opening of a new Starbucks and the rescue of a Black Lab from Lake Osceola Florida.

A spokesman for the former Alaska governor admitted that it had been very difficult to convince any of the media to carry the announcement.  “Most of the media we contacted didn’t consider this news”, explained Ralph Conchise, “although we did get good coverage from the Leadsville Courier…3rd page right below the Leadsville Annual Cook-off story.”

Now that she is free from her non-campaigning tasks, Mr. Conchise declined to list other non-events Ms. Palin might be considering although he hinted at a possible appearance at the up-coming Washington, New Hampshire water commissioner’s race.  “Governor Palin has always been interested in water and where it comes from,” offered Mr. Conchise.

Alex Miscopy and his coalition of dictionary publishers were able to breathe a little easier today when Chris Christie announced at his press conference that he was not going to run for President despite exhortations of a number of GOP advisers.  “I said no before,”  stated the New Jersey Governor, “and I meant no!”

Mr. Miscopy said the publishers were relieved that they would not have to reprint existing editions to account for a new definition of no.  “However, we still remain a little concerned,” he cautioned, “about the use of the words hope and change.”

Merriman-Webster and Random House publishing are leading a coalition of fellow publishers of hard-copy dictionaries in  fund raising efforts to stop the “Chris Christie for President” effort. 

Alex Miscoply, spokesman for the coalition, explains that, “it’s nothing personal against the Governor, it’s just that we can’t, in this current economy, afford to re-print all our editions.  The on-line dictionaries have cut into our hard-copy business as it is and a complete re-print could sink us.”

Mr. Miscoply, of course, refers to the fact that if Gov. Christie does indeed run for President, dictionaries across the country would have to completely revise their definition of the word “no”.  Revisions would also have to be made for the words, “never”, “not” and “won’t” as well as phrases such as, “no way”, “ain’t going to happen” and the definitive New Jersey closer, “fuggedaboutit”.

Massachusetts state Treasurer Steve Grossman today announced that the $45,000 donation he received from the package store and tavern owners won’t affect his decisions one iota when it comes to policies set by the Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission that he oversees.

The National Coalition of Lobbyists has immediately demanded refunds on the 18.8 trillion dollars they have donated to various State and Federal officials over the years.  “What the hell good has it done us”, griped Fred Asperger, President of the Coalition, “it’s like pouring money down a toilet.”  He then departed without any further comment on a GE private jet on his way to a free week-end stay at Foxwoods.

Higher education researchers have once again ventured into unknown territory to answer questions that have puzzled mankind for thousands of years…or at least since the advent of co-ed dorms.  In studying the cause and intensity of saliva in male subjects, researchers at Northwestern University primed men to think about going on a date with an attractive woman.  They then discovered that men salivated more when shown pictures of sports cars than when shown pictures of fastening tools.

It has not been reported, how many Northwestern alumni are re-thinking their pledges this year.