Wry On The Rocks

     I  just finished driving 1500 miles from Boston to Longboat Key, Florida and here’s my question today;  why isn’t Interstate 95 knee-deep in dead young motorcyclists?  Look up death wish in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of a kid on a Honda, hunched over his handle bars, weaving through traffic in an attempt to break the sound barrier. This kid is 20 going on 12.  But, he’s OK…he’s wearing a helmet.  He’s wearing a tee shirt, cut-offs, sneakers,…and a helmet.  This is very good, of course, because the last thing you want to be without when you hit the pavement at 190 miles an hour is a helmet.  It is very useful in helping to  identify the body.  

      Higher up the food chain is the Harley Dude.  He is between 30 and 50 and sports gray hair pulled back in a ponytail which sneaks out from under his WW II helmet. He is  fully clad in either denim or leather and looks like he just finished adjusting carburetors or flushing cooling systems.  But, unlike Kid on a Honda, all tight and intent on keeping his date with destiny, Harley Dude is cool.  He sits back in the saddle with his handle bars cranked up so high he appears to kind of hang from them.  You’ll find that most Harley Dudes have very long arms. 

     At the highest end of the motorcycle spectrum is the Senior Rider.  This guy is over 50 and is riding in a small  RV on two wheels.  He is often pulling a small, matching  trailer which presumably carries his Depends and back-up dentures.  The dashboard was originally designed for the 747.  Whereas the  Honda is usually yellow or red and the Harley dude’s bike is black, Senior Rider’s traveling motel is invariably maroon.  It’s the law.  His bike is maroon, his trailer is maroon and his helmet is maroon.  The helmet , incidentally, was designed by NASA and includes a two-way radio  which allows him to communicate with his wife who sits in a Lazy-Boy at his back.  You don’t see them talking very often.

      I’m sure that all of these folks have a reason why they’d rather tempt fate on two wheels, but I suppose it could be worse.  They could be driving a Toyota.

        Following the most recent attempted terrorist attack on an airline (or the “visiting guest misconduct allegation” in Obama’s vernacular) , many major airports have announced that they will be installing full-body scanning machines within the near future.  Apparently, these devices ”see” through a traveler’s clothing ,thus revealing to TSA personnel any hidden explosive devices that the person may be carrying .  In other words, every adolescent boy of my generation’s fondest dreams…x-ray vision.

      While this may prove extremely useful in preventing future “alleged mis-conduct” there are several side benefits expected to result.  It is estimated, for example, that the average American will shed  24 pounds in the next six months, aiding the fight against obesity. 

    An immediate benefit has been a 300% increase in the number of men applying for TSA jobs.  On the other hand there has been a 120% jump in men refusing to be scanned when the temperature is below 32 degrees.

There is bad news coming from the art world these days; plastic is not the durable material once thought.  Antique plastic dolls at the National Museum of Denmark have begun to break down and peel and the first plastic toothbrush owned by the Smithsonian has all but disintegrated.

Because many of the 20th century artists worked with plastic like cellulose nitrate, their works are in danger of also disintegrating in time.  Insurance companies, alerted to the situation, are warning art galleries and collectors about the potential dangers of purchasing such works. 

However, there is good news about the limited duration of the medium.  Most of Jeff Koons work is in plastic!

The New York Stock Exchange today announced that you can now lose your money much faster than before.  The Exchange customers can “now see trades executed within five milliseconds compared to 103 milliseconds previously.”  This is an effort to improve their position in the competitive world of trading firms and bolster their image.

I have an idea to improve their image:  how about not referring to stock transactions as executions !

I recently needed some electrical work done at the house and I finally realized the answer to the age old question…how many electricians does it take to replace a  light bulb? Answer: three..one to hold the ladder, one to screw in the bulb and one to talk on the cell phone.