Wry On The Rocks

      I was simply looking to upgrade to a new phone when the friendly Verizon salesman introduced me to the world of “apps”…something I previously assumed stood for a Hollywood-favored muscle mass.  Au contraire, my friendly salesman said.  It refers to over 350,000 software “applications” available on smart phones.   I am dumbfounded by the idea that anyone could possibly need 350,000 applications for his/her phone.  (Of course ,I’m still stupified that someone can claim 800 “friends” on Facebook without a perjury charge.)

     However, in searching some of the specific “apps” available on my new phone, I realized the endless possibilities.  Just a sampling of some actual apps I found: 

SMULE…This is an app that allows you to convert your i-phone into a flute. ..a need I would have never guessed.

STARBUCKS…A  locator for Starbucks locations…wouldn’t it be easier to just look out the window?

GIRL SCOUT COOKIE LOCATOR…This is either a must for people with a cookie addiction or a heaven sent app for child molesters.

GOWALLA…not sure what this one does, but a review by MacWorld magazine gave it 4.5 mice out of 5…. which I guess is good.

     And to think I just wanted to make phone calls.

Amazon has started a new program that allows members to convert “Aunt Mildred’s” gifts into gift certificates, i.e. you can register anyone who habitually sends you unwanted gifts and have, not only the gift turned into a cash coupon, but also a nice thank you card sent for the unreceived gift.  I hope Mr. Zuckerman is listening.

What is really needed is a Facebook program that allows you to block folks you don’t care to befriend without their knowledge.  Instead, Facebook will welcome them on your behalf and periodically send messages from you like..”just returned from snow shoeing at the North Pole on our way to ride Orca’s in Tahiti.  But hey, what have you been up to?”

I have made it a rule never to comment, much less make light, of tragic events, but sometimes…

Jimi Heselden, bought the Segway scooter company from founder Dan Kamen in 2009.  Yesterday, the 62-year-old was killed when he drove his cross country Segway over a 30 foot cliff into the River Wharfe.

     I  just finished driving 1500 miles from Boston to Longboat Key, Florida and here’s my question today;  why isn’t Interstate 95 knee-deep in dead young motorcyclists?  Look up death wish in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of a kid on a Honda, hunched over his handle bars, weaving through traffic in an attempt to break the sound barrier. This kid is 20 going on 12.  But, he’s OK…he’s wearing a helmet.  He’s wearing a tee shirt, cut-offs, sneakers,…and a helmet.  This is very good, of course, because the last thing you want to be without when you hit the pavement at 190 miles an hour is a helmet.  It is very useful in helping to  identify the body.  

      Higher up the food chain is the Harley Dude.  He is between 30 and 50 and sports gray hair pulled back in a ponytail which sneaks out from under his WW II helmet. He is  fully clad in either denim or leather and looks like he just finished adjusting carburetors or flushing cooling systems.  But, unlike Kid on a Honda, all tight and intent on keeping his date with destiny, Harley Dude is cool.  He sits back in the saddle with his handle bars cranked up so high he appears to kind of hang from them.  You’ll find that most Harley Dudes have very long arms. 

     At the highest end of the motorcycle spectrum is the Senior Rider.  This guy is over 50 and is riding in a small  RV on two wheels.  He is often pulling a small, matching  trailer which presumably carries his Depends and back-up dentures.  The dashboard was originally designed for the 747.  Whereas the  Honda is usually yellow or red and the Harley dude’s bike is black, Senior Rider’s traveling motel is invariably maroon.  It’s the law.  His bike is maroon, his trailer is maroon and his helmet is maroon.  The helmet , incidentally, was designed by NASA and includes a two-way radio  which allows him to communicate with his wife who sits in a Lazy-Boy at his back.  You don’t see them talking very often.

      I’m sure that all of these folks have a reason why they’d rather tempt fate on two wheels, but I suppose it could be worse.  They could be driving a Toyota.

        Following the most recent attempted terrorist attack on an airline (or the “visiting guest misconduct allegation” in Obama’s vernacular) , many major airports have announced that they will be installing full-body scanning machines within the near future.  Apparently, these devices ”see” through a traveler’s clothing ,thus revealing to TSA personnel any hidden explosive devices that the person may be carrying .  In other words, every adolescent boy of my generation’s fondest dreams…x-ray vision.

      While this may prove extremely useful in preventing future “alleged mis-conduct” there are several side benefits expected to result.  It is estimated, for example, that the average American will shed  24 pounds in the next six months, aiding the fight against obesity. 

    An immediate benefit has been a 300% increase in the number of men applying for TSA jobs.  On the other hand there has been a 120% jump in men refusing to be scanned when the temperature is below 32 degrees.