Wry On The Rocks

With the number of women claiming to have had extra-marital sex with Tiger Woods now at eleven,  the allegations of sexual activity by Tiger  continue to pile up.  Allegations are also becoming more specific such as one former lover revealing that Tiger preferred his sex “rough” and particularly liked to pull her hair and spank her.   Most recently a Madam now claims that Tiger was partial to threesomes and would drop as much as $15,000 a week-end to engage in the pastime.

Despite all the damaging press, a spokesman for Nike claims that the company is still standing by Tiger.  “We view with great scepticism the allegations that are being leveled at Tiger from a group of obvious money seeking Bimbos and have no intention of dropping our association”, he was quoted regarding the latest claims.  “However”, he went on, “if we hear from one damn sheep all bets are off!”

Nike just announced a big spike in the sale of their 9-irons.  Sales were particularly strong in Las Vegas, New York and L.A.  and seemed particularly popular with bar maids, hostesses and party planners.  In an effort to capitalize on the momentum, Nike is offering two models…the regular lofted 9-iron and the “de-lofted” 9-iron designed for the professional swinger.  Designated as the “Elin” and the “Elin Pro” , Nike predicts this club will become the rage!

In 1979, K.T. Smith, a patron of Mugs Away bar in Laguna Niguel, Cal. offered to buy a beer for anyone who would walk across the street and moon the Amtrak train when it passed.  This year Mr. Smith would have to be prepared to buy drinks for approximately 8,000 people who showed up to drop their trousers at the passing Amtrak trains.  Located halfway between LA and San Diego, it obviously need not it be said that there is very little to do in Laguna Niguel, Cal.  

When the crowd starts to tire of mooning passing trains, I have another crowd building venture for the Mugs Away bar.  How about a contest to choose a better name!

Former Playmate Brande Roderick recently hosted a contest at the Boston night spot The Estate, in which a lucky female recipient won a free boob job…worth about $10,000 according to the donating boob surgeon.  The announced winner was one Corrine Gallagher, who apparently gave the best reason for breast enhancement.

Former Playmate Roderick was delighted with the whole affair.  “I think it’s good to find out the real reason women want it”, she was quoted.  “You don’t want someone getting it for the wrong reasons!”  Like what for example, Brande….?  She wants to be a Playmate?

I realize that I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to sex, but I can usually relate to the needs and choices of other, shall I say, less conventional practices.  I did, after all, have a couple of cousins who grew up on a farm in Georgia.  However, every once in a while I realize just how really naive I must be in matters sexual. 

I just read an AP newswire report that a 29-year-old man, one Jason Leroy Savage by name, was arrested at a local car wash in Saginaw, Michigan for indecent exposure.  Well, actually what he was doing according to the arresting officer was having sex with a car wash vacuum!

Now, I realize that things must get a little slow in Saginaw during the winter months, but if anyone can explain to me how one has sex with a car wash vacuum I would appreciate it.  I mean it’s been a pretty hard winter right here in Mass. and perhaps I should be more receptive to new ways of doing things.