Wry On The Rocks

     Leave it to the Brits to come up with the euphemism of the month.  The Holiday Inn chain in England has announced a new service in three of their hotels in London and Manchester.  At no extra charge, the chain is offering a “human bed warmer” who will spend 5 minutes in your bed to bring it to the optimal sleeping temperature of 72 degrees.  Spokeswoman Jane Bednall explains that it is “like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed!”  Of course it is.  Exactly which “humans” will be doing the warming has not been decided, but in a preliminary company survey, 98% of male business travelers said that given a choice, like AC/DC sang… they “want a woman in red at the bottom of their bed!” 

    This may be just the shot in the arm  the travel industry needs.  Tiger Woods has already booked a suite for the month of April….”I swear Elin, she is just a “bed warmer.”

Nevada  farmer Noah Krautt denied rumors that he was paid to keep quiet about an alleged week-end that Tiger Woods spent with his sheep.  “Ain’t never seen nor talked to the man”, claimed farmer Krautt when interviewed in his new Escalade with the custom surround sound system and cobalt rims.  “‘Sides”, he continued, “my sheep don’t mess around.  They’re like my family…sure a couple of ‘em liked to be spanked once in a while, but that don’t mean nuthin.  I mean listen,”  farmer Krautt continued after checking the time on his new TAG HuerSLR Calibre S Laptimer with the gold band and diamond bezel, “if you was the most famous athlete in the world, you gonna come out here in the middle of nowhere where there hardly ain’t no way to get here, ‘cept maybe that new airstrip behind the barn, just to be with a sheep…or two?

Farmer Krautt ended the interview by offering the reporters several cases of Gatorade.  “We don’t drink that shit no more!”, he said as he reached for his AT&T cell phone.

With the number of women claiming to have had extra-marital sex with Tiger Woods now at eleven,  the allegations of sexual activity by Tiger  continue to pile up.  Allegations are also becoming more specific such as one former lover revealing that Tiger preferred his sex “rough” and particularly liked to pull her hair and spank her.   Most recently a Madam now claims that Tiger was partial to threesomes and would drop as much as $15,000 a week-end to engage in the pastime.

Despite all the damaging press, a spokesman for Nike claims that the company is still standing by Tiger.  “We view with great scepticism the allegations that are being leveled at Tiger from a group of obvious money seeking Bimbos and have no intention of dropping our association”, he was quoted regarding the latest claims.  “However”, he went on, “if we hear from one damn sheep all bets are off!”

Nike just announced a big spike in the sale of their 9-irons.  Sales were particularly strong in Las Vegas, New York and L.A.  and seemed particularly popular with bar maids, hostesses and party planners.  In an effort to capitalize on the momentum, Nike is offering two models…the regular lofted 9-iron and the “de-lofted” 9-iron designed for the professional swinger.  Designated as the “Elin” and the “Elin Pro” , Nike predicts this club will become the rage!

In 1979, K.T. Smith, a patron of Mugs Away bar in Laguna Niguel, Cal. offered to buy a beer for anyone who would walk across the street and moon the Amtrak train when it passed.  This year Mr. Smith would have to be prepared to buy drinks for approximately 8,000 people who showed up to drop their trousers at the passing Amtrak trains.  Located halfway between LA and San Diego, it obviously need not it be said that there is very little to do in Laguna Niguel, Cal.  

When the crowd starts to tire of mooning passing trains, I have another crowd building venture for the Mugs Away bar.  How about a contest to choose a better name!