Wry On The Rocks

    I’m sitting here in my office on the East coast looking at about a foot of snow and from all reports there is at least a foot of snow from here all the way to Seattle.  Not to mention a minimum of a foot of snow in England, all across Europe, Russia, China, Nepal and God only knows  how much at the North and South poles.  And every  year right about this time it snows.  Again.  And it’s been doing that for a couple of thousand of years.

    So, here’s my question.  How can the scientists be so damn convinced that there’s another planet out there somewhere that looks just  like ours, yet they can’t even find two snowflakes that are alike right here on Earth?

    Next thing you know they’ll be trying to tell us that we’re experiencing global warming.

     I don’t understand the controversy between the creationists and the evolutionists…those that believe in God and those that believe solely in Darwinism.  Let me offer some proof that both exist.  Take man for example.  The creationists believe that God created man out of nothing more than clay and then gave him Eve.  I can buy that.  And being the benevolent God that he probably is, he endowed them, alone among all creatures on earth, with the power of speech.  And so Adam and Eve would talk.  And listen.  To each other.  Adam would tell Eve how his day was going.  “Hi Eve.  You know aside from a little chest pain, I’m feeling pretty good today.  How about you, honey?”  “Well, I feel pretty good today too, Adam, here have an apple.” 

      So, for a long time Adam and Eve conversed together.  Adam would talk and Eve would listen.  Then Eve would talk and Adam would listen.  “That old pain seems to be going away, Eve, how are you?”  “I’m just great, Adam, here have another apple.”  This was all well and good for several eons. 

     Then other people starting coming around and Adam and Eve had more to talk about.  Then alot more people came and Adam and Eve had alot more to talk about.  Especially, Eve.  She started to have more to talk about than Adam.  “You know sweets, I felt so good today, that I ran a 5K, how about you?”  “Well, I baked an apple pie for those new folks, you know the ones that moved across the garden, the one’s with the baby that’s always crying, well, I went over and said, how’s your baby today and, well you won’t believe what she was wearing and….”  So, as time went by, Adam found that he was having more and more difficulty hearing everything that Eve was saying.  Adam had started to evolve.

     So, over the years…about 3 or 4 million or so…man has continued to evolve.  His chest pains began to disappear, except when he smokes too much, he only has to shave once or twice a day and his hearing started to become more selective about what he could process.   And, as his body evolved so did his speech.  Phrases like, “and what else happened, ?”  were replaced with, “..sorry, what’d you say ?…” and “that’s interesting, honey…”  became  ”…uh, huh…”  Eve in the meantime was evolving on a higher plane.  In fact, she reached an evolutionary point where she  was able, all on her own, to carry on both sides of the conversation, seemingly satisfied with an occasional nod or shake of the paper from Adam.

     So, some day I expect we will all thank God for getting the ball rolling but, realize that Darwin deserves a big shout out for saving many a modern marriage.

You got to hand it to Millie Hinkle; the woman’s got spunk.  The 57-year-old natural medicine practioner has decided that camel milk can cure all of our ills.  She has devoted her life to bringing camel milk to the American public and has drained her savings, not to mention her common sense, to this cause.  According to Ms. Hinkle milk from the humped ones can cure disease, increase virility and contain unknown magical powers.  Her efforts have gained her preliminary approval from the FDA to market the milk.  At the same time it, should be noted, that they tentatively approved the sale of milk from reindeer, Llamas, moose and donkeys.  This, of course will make the marketing of camel milk that much more difficult.  Imagine the quandry of the average shopper in the market…hmmm, what do I feel like today…moose milk?…donkey milk?..what..no aardvark milk?

There is one other little problem with Ms. Hinkle’s goal; she only has one camel and camels are notoriously cantankerous and getting milked ranks very high on their list of things that make them that way.   Other than that, she may be on to something.  It can’t possibly taste worse than Gatorade …..talking about cantankerous animals!

A new government study confirms what most of us already knew; cellphone usage is out-pacing landlines in U.S. household.  20% of all U.S. households have no landline at all…only a cell phone…while only 17% of households have a landline and no cellphone.  This is most prevelant among persons age 25 to 29; the study found that 40% of this age group only use cellphones.

Here’s the part I don’t understand…the study was undertaken by the Center for Disease Control.  With the threat of a worldwide pandemic brought on by Swine Flu, the CDC is doing phone studies?  I don’t care how many phones the 25 to 29 year-olds have, I want important stuff, like how many pigs have used a phone in the last 30 days! Or how long should I wait to use a phone after eating pork! So, I say back to the clipboards CDC and give me something I can use.

Hot news from the National Bureau of Economic Research…countries with hotter climates tend to be poorer.  Researchers have even correlated it:  each 1 degree in Celsius inteprets into 8 percent difference in GDP or 1 per cent difference in annual economic growth.  Bottom line the warmer the climate the less per-capita income.  Bottom line: if I were selling high-end goods I’d be hot-footing it (no pun here) to points North.  Who knew Inuits were a prime market for Dolce and Gabbana?