Wry On The Rocks

     Just when I thought that Tuula Paajanen came up with the most obvious “duh” statement of the year, here comes Melanie Dove of the Harvard School of Public Health.  Ms. Dove was the lead author in their study of the effects of cigarette smoke on young children.

     After an arduous study of over 11,000 children in the US, Ms. Dove’s report concluded that children who live in non-smoking homes are much less likely to experience second-hand smoke than those children in homes where parents smoked. 

    At what point, I have to ask, did the researchers realize that this might not be quite as useful information as they had hoped.  Did they think maybe another 11,000 children might lead to a different conclusion??

     If I seem a little cranky this morning it is due to a new European scientific report that purports that short people are more prone to heart problems than tall people.  In fact, the study claims that short people have a 50% higher risk of heart problems or dying of one (which certainly could be considered a “problem”) than tall people. 

     At 5′7″ in height, I have never considered myself short, and  the authors of  this study agree; they define “short” as anyone under 5′ 3″ and “tall” as anyone over 5′ 9″ .  However, I have  great empathy for short people ever since Randy Newman dissed them some years ago.  (Don’t you love guys with speech impediments who make fun of other people!)  But, my empathy aside, here is one of my problems with the study…what about us guys in-between??  The 5-foot 7-inch guys??  Or the 5-foot 4-inch, 5-foot 8- inch…etc.??  What are our odds??  They absolutely disregard the concerns of 50% of the world’s population??  (I just made up that number, but prove me wrong!)  Or…what if you’re 5-foot, 3-and a half-inches tall?

     Here’s another problem I have with the study…the lead author was Tuula Paajanen from Tumpere University.  First, I make it a habit never to trust anyone with successive vowels in both their first and last name and, second, who the hell has ever heard of Tumpere University?  My, shall I say skepicism, in her study was summed up in her attempt at consoling  short people.  ”Height is only one factor”, she wrote, noting that other factors like smoking and excercising and diet may come into play and suggested that short people concentrate on those issues since, “those are easier to change than your height!”  Gee, Doc, do you think??

     It is studies like this that make me more than ever convinced that when I’m King, I’m only going to allow scientific reports that seek to solve important issues.  So, please feel free to e-mail me at john@wryontherrocks.com if you have an issue you feel worthy of government funding.  Here are some issues that have been bothering me:

• why can’t we keep Kate Gosselin off television
• why can’t I find any blue food at the supermarket
• why is my left foot slightly larger than my right foot
• why do I need three remotes for one television; none of which seem to work
• why do big fat people always have little bitty dogs
• why doesn’t Disney realize no matter how many ways he bends the line I still know it takes an hour to get into “Space Mountain”
• why is NASCAR so popular

    (This guy just realized he’s 4 foot 11)

    The next time you need to buy a computer should you  believe the claims of Steve Jobs or Bill Gates regarding their product?  Or should you believe the Oracle of Omaha prognostications regarding investments? 

     Kang Lee, director the Institute of Child Study at University of Toronto, has released a study that tracked children who lie versus those youngsters who tell the truth.  The study makes the claim that children who lie as early as age two have faster developing brains than their peers; they are merely exhibiting their mental acuity.  This, according to Mr. Lee , will lead to greater intellectual achievements.  Thus, Mr. Lee goes on to exclaim,  parents should not be concerned if their little darling tells a fib. 

     So remember, the next time you hear someone protest that your toddler is a little lying bastard, simply take it as the ultimate compliment and start pricing vacation condos.

    I’m sitting here in my office on the East coast looking at about a foot of snow and from all reports there is at least a foot of snow from here all the way to Seattle.  Not to mention a minimum of a foot of snow in England, all across Europe, Russia, China, Nepal and God only knows  how much at the North and South poles.  And every  year right about this time it snows.  Again.  And it’s been doing that for a couple of thousand of years.

    So, here’s my question.  How can the scientists be so damn convinced that there’s another planet out there somewhere that looks just  like ours, yet they can’t even find two snowflakes that are alike right here on Earth?

    Next thing you know they’ll be trying to tell us that we’re experiencing global warming.

     I don’t understand the controversy between the creationists and the evolutionists…those that believe in God and those that believe solely in Darwinism.  Let me offer some proof that both exist.  Take man for example.  The creationists believe that God created man out of nothing more than clay and then gave him Eve.  I can buy that.  And being the benevolent God that he probably is, he endowed them, alone among all creatures on earth, with the power of speech.  And so Adam and Eve would talk.  And listen.  To each other.  Adam would tell Eve how his day was going.  “Hi Eve.  You know aside from a little chest pain, I’m feeling pretty good today.  How about you, honey?”  “Well, I feel pretty good today too, Adam, here have an apple.” 

      So, for a long time Adam and Eve conversed together.  Adam would talk and Eve would listen.  Then Eve would talk and Adam would listen.  “That old pain seems to be going away, Eve, how are you?”  “I’m just great, Adam, here have another apple.”  This was all well and good for several eons. 

     Then other people starting coming around and Adam and Eve had more to talk about.  Then alot more people came and Adam and Eve had alot more to talk about.  Especially, Eve.  She started to have more to talk about than Adam.  “You know sweets, I felt so good today, that I ran a 5K, how about you?”  “Well, I baked an apple pie for those new folks, you know the ones that moved across the garden, the one’s with the baby that’s always crying, well, I went over and said, how’s your baby today and, well you won’t believe what she was wearing and….”  So, as time went by, Adam found that he was having more and more difficulty hearing everything that Eve was saying.  Adam had started to evolve.

     So, over the years…about 3 or 4 million or so…man has continued to evolve.  His chest pains began to disappear, except when he smokes too much, he only has to shave once or twice a day and his hearing started to become more selective about what he could process.   And, as his body evolved so did his speech.  Phrases like, “and what else happened, ?”  were replaced with, “..sorry, what’d you say ?…” and “that’s interesting, honey…”  became  ”…uh, huh…”  Eve in the meantime was evolving on a higher plane.  In fact, she reached an evolutionary point where she  was able, all on her own, to carry on both sides of the conversation, seemingly satisfied with an occasional nod or shake of the paper from Adam.

     So, some day I expect we will all thank God for getting the ball rolling but, realize that Darwin deserves a big shout out for saving many a modern marriage.