Wry On The Rocks

If any of my readers speak Russian, I would appreciate a translation of their  current  satellite name which reads in English as Phobos-Grunt.

     Just when I thought that Tuula Paajanen came up with the most obvious “duh” statement of the year, here comes Melanie Dove of the Harvard School of Public Health.  Ms. Dove was the lead author in their study of the effects of cigarette smoke on young children.

     After an arduous study of over 11,000 children in the US, Ms. Dove’s report concluded that children who live in non-smoking homes are much less likely to experience second-hand smoke than those children in homes where parents smoked. 

    At what point, I have to ask, did the researchers realize that this might not be quite as useful information as they had hoped.  Did they think maybe another 11,000 children might lead to a different conclusion??

     If I seem a little cranky this morning it is due to a new European scientific report that purports that short people are more prone to heart problems than tall people.  In fact, the study claims that short people have a 50% higher risk of heart problems or dying of one (which certainly could be considered a “problem”) than tall people. 

     At 5’7″ in height, I have never considered myself short, and  the authors of  this study agree; they define “short” as anyone under 5′ 3″ and “tall” as anyone over 5′ 9″ .  However, I have  great empathy for short people ever since Randy Newman dissed them some years ago.  (Don’t you love guys with speech impediments who make fun of other people!)  But, my empathy aside, here is one of my problems with the study…what about us guys in-between??  The 5-foot 7-inch guys??  Or the 5-foot 4-inch, 5-foot 8- inch…etc.??  What are our odds??  They absolutely disregard the concerns of 50% of the world’s population??  (I just made up that number, but prove me wrong!)  Or…what if you’re 5-foot, 3-and a half-inches tall?

     Here’s another problem I have with the study…the lead author was Tuula Paajanen from Tumpere University.  First, I make it a habit never to trust anyone with successive vowels in both their first and last name and, second, who the hell has ever heard of Tumpere University?  My, shall I say skepicism, in her study was summed up in her attempt at consoling  short people.  ”Height is only one factor”, she wrote, noting that other factors like smoking and excercising and diet may come into play and suggested that short people concentrate on those issues since, “those are easier to change than your height!”  Gee, Doc, do you think??

     It is studies like this that make me more than ever convinced that when I’m King, I’m only going to allow scientific reports that seek to solve important issues.  So, please feel free to e-mail me at john@wryontherrocks.com if you have an issue you feel worthy of government funding.  Here are some issues that have been bothering me:

• why can’t we keep Kate Gosselin off television
• why can’t I find any blue food at the supermarket
• why is my left foot slightly larger than my right foot
• why do I need three remotes for one television; none of which seem to work
• why do big fat people always have little bitty dogs
• why doesn’t Disney realize no matter how many ways he bends the line I still know it takes an hour to get into “Space Mountain”
• why is NASCAR so popular

    (This guy just realized he’s 4 foot 11)

    The next time you need to buy a computer should you  believe the claims of Steve Jobs or Bill Gates regarding their product?  Or should you believe the Oracle of Omaha prognostications regarding investments? 

     Kang Lee, director the Institute of Child Study at University of Toronto, has released a study that tracked children who lie versus those youngsters who tell the truth.  The study makes the claim that children who lie as early as age two have faster developing brains than their peers; they are merely exhibiting their mental acuity.  This, according to Mr. Lee , will lead to greater intellectual achievements.  Thus, Mr. Lee goes on to exclaim,  parents should not be concerned if their little darling tells a fib. 

     So remember, the next time you hear someone protest that your toddler is a little lying bastard, simply take it as the ultimate compliment and start pricing vacation condos.

    I’m sitting here in my office on the East coast looking at about a foot of snow and from all reports there is at least a foot of snow from here all the way to Seattle.  Not to mention a minimum of a foot of snow in England, all across Europe, Russia, China, Nepal and God only knows  how much at the North and South poles.  And every  year right about this time it snows.  Again.  And it’s been doing that for a couple of thousand of years.

    So, here’s my question.  How can the scientists be so damn convinced that there’s another planet out there somewhere that looks just  like ours, yet they can’t even find two snowflakes that are alike right here on Earth?

    Next thing you know they’ll be trying to tell us that we’re experiencing global warming.