Wry On The Rocks

The current political campaign was brought home to me last evening when I pondered the GOP front runner’s campaign slogan about regaining the soul of America.  It may make a catchy slogan, but has America…have I… lost my American values??  Am I out of touch with today’s values because…..

 While I don’t make a whole lot of money,  I  thought it would be OK if I did;  and I have no idea why someone would want to occupy Wall Street; the rents are too high, the streets are all one way, and bad guys periodically try to blow it up.

 I used to think Newt Gingrich made a lot of sense, which was before he became  fat, deranged and a cartoon; I think Ron Paul still makes a lot of sense, and at least isn’t fat.

 I don’t understand how FedEx can make millions and the US Post Office go bankrupt.

I don’t understand how job growth rate in our Government can grow at 15% in a recession.  (Actually I do unerstand it, just don’t like to dwell on it.)

 I have never watched a TV show hosted by Oprah, Ellen, Dr. Phil, or Billy Bush and have no interest in the fact that Beyonce had a baby, much less how much she paid for the hospital room or why she picked a Martian name for the kid.

 I can’t name even one of the Kardashian sisters and don’t care who Kate Hudson, Katy Parry, Brittany Spears, Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen or most anyone else west of the Rockies, married, divorced, assaulted or was seen canoodling with in Cabo, Martinique or the Seychelles.

I think it’s OK to dis-like the current President without being labeled a racist and OK to like Mitt Romney without believing in that buried book stuff.  I just wish he’d pick a new slogan.  One not so depressing.

The number one question on all lawyers’ minds these days??….where in the hell does Gloria Allred find these people?  One of the leading trial attorneys in the nation gave her credit…”I’ve got to admit, when it comes to dumpster-diving for clients, she’s the queen.” 

Allred’s latest “client”, Sharon Bialek, claimed in a press conference to have been groped by presidential candidate Herman Cain 13 years ago following a luncheon meeting.  While she didn’t file a complaint at that time, she claims she did tell her then boyfriend and another person.   Ms. Allred then waved a sheaf of papers in the air which she claimed were sworn affidavits of those persons, but refused to disclose their names.  “A little trick I picked up from Joe McCarthy back in the day”, she later admitted with a smile.  “I always carry extra papers ’cause you never know who you’re going to run into in welfare offices, rehab clinics or dumpsters.”

Despite being an unemployed single mother with 2 past bankrupcy filings and past due tax liens, Ms. Bialek claims she came forward not for the money, but because her 13-year-old son urged her “to do the right thing.” 

It just makes me proud to be an American.

President Obama’s media bus containing over $200,000 worth of media equipment including the presidential seal, several podiums and his personal teleprompters was stolen last evening.  The bus had been parked in a Courtyard Marriott lot in Henrico, Va.

The theft of the US Presidents possessions comes on top of a break-in at a SWAT training building in Los Angeles in which thieves stole dozens of police weapons including MP-5 submachine guns and 12 large-caliber handguns.

When questioned about the rash of domestic thefts, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano issued a statement assuring the American public that our borders were “secure.” 

 President Obama is expected to issue a statement just as soon as his staff can secure another teleprompter.

I understand that you’re still upset that the government won’t raise your taxes.  I can sympathize with your position as I realize how much hell it must be trying to figure out what to do with all those extra millions and billions just sitting around.  Among other problems you probably have to spend a great deal of time fending off insurance agents, stock brokers, vacuum salesmen…all suggesting ways to spend a few catrillion.

I feel that I should pitch in as an American patriot and do what I can to help.  To that end I’m enclosing my 2010, 1099 form for your consideration.  I don’t mean to rush you in anyway, but my extension is due shortly and both the IRS and my accountant would be pleased if you could pay this as soon as possible.  I know this doesn’t solve all your tax problems, but if you’d  like I could forward a list of some friends who would probably vounteer to  have you pay their taxes…2011 of course, I wouldn’t want to rush you with more 2010 obligations.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter and by the way, you should be pleased to know that I re-financed my mortgage this week through Bank of America.  Just trying to extend a  helping hand to a fellow American.  May I call you Warren?

Dear Mr. Buffett,

     I read that you have called a number of your fellow billionaires in an effort to have them sign a pledge to donate at least 50% of their fortunes to charitable causes.  Those signing up will join you for a lunch several times a year to discuss various strategies for following through on that pledge.

     I also read that while 40 of your peers have signed up, you are still looking for more pledges and making more calls.  While I have not yet received your call (Verizon claims they can resume my service as soon as my check clears), you can e-mail me at wryontherocks.com.  I would be happy to sign your pledge.  While I’m a little short of a billion dollars at the present time, I have detected a pattern to the PowerBall numbers. As a sign of good faith, I’m enclosing $5… Verizon can wait. 

     Thank you for your time and I look forward to joining you for lunch in the near future.  (Hopefully there is a good restaurant near the Omaha Greyhound station?)

John

(to read the full column go to www.wrysandwherefores.com)