Wry On The Rocks

I just finished reading Agatha Christie’s The Body in the Library last evening when I read in today’s Boston Globe that a woman lost her pet snake on the Red Line T somewhere between UMass and Braintree.   While the owner was unsure of the species of snake,  according to an eye witness most people “freaked out” and headed for the exit at the first opportunity. 

Now, if the train had been headed out of the quiet English village of St. Mary Mead, I imagine a much more civil scene….

Young woman peering into her kerchief-covered trug, “Oh, dear…”

Middle-aged man in tweed jacket, “I beg your pardon…”

Young woman holding…”Oh, I don’t mean to be a bother, but I’m quite afraid that I’ve misplaced my pet snake.”

Middle-aged man..”How dreadful, but perhaps I can be of help.”

Young woman…”How awfully kind of you…”

Middle-aged …”Not at all.  Now what kind of snake was it?”

Young…”Well, I’m not really sure…”

Mid…”Well then, might I be may so bold as to offer some advice?

Youn…”By all means kind sir…”

M…”Next time you choose to carry a fucking snake around in a trug find out what kind it is you blithering idiot!!”

     Thanks to Ms. Anne Marie Chaker of the Wall Street Journal, I realize that the divide between dog owners and cat owners is greater than previously thought.   I’ve long harbored the thought that cat owners are basically masochistic in nature…catering to a species that has no interest in them whatsoever.  Cats tolerate an owner only to the extent that it is provided with shelter and sustenance; and only on their terms.  Despite, this genetic flaw in some humans however, I have generally viewed cat owners without malice… simply mis-guided, but well meaning fellow humans.

     Ms. Chaker, however, has me rethinking this view.  Ms. Chaker has trained her cat to poop in the family toilet.  She has accomplished this dubious feat according to her article, by spending the better part of a year and “countless hours in the bathroom” with her cat.   Ms. Chalker cites several owners that have successfully toilet trained their cats this way,  but cautions it is not an easy process.  (Editors note:  only people who would even remotely consider spending a year in the bathroom with a cat need this cautionary note.  The rest of us got it, Ms. Chalker.)

     Further more, it turns out that after that scintillating year in the bathroom, the cat might regress.  Animal consultant Dan Estep warns that he has a number of  patients whose toilet trained cats have reverted and “started eliminating inappropriately”.   This, of course , implies that cat owners recognize something called “appropriate elimination” .  You ever heard a dog owner grading his animals “elimination”?

     So here’s the deal.  If  cat owners want to spend a year teaching some overindulged feline to appropriately eliminate in the family toilet that’s their business.  But, when they start using the public rest rooms that’s where I draw the line.

In Hingham, Ma., a man that was seen the last several months walking his dog every day has gone missing.  The dog was spotted walking the same route as usual, but without his owner.  The owner of the dog  has now been missing for several days despite  an exhaustive search effort.  I wonder if  any one else has noticed that the dog is a St. Bernard?