Wry On The Rocks

As if Damien Hirst and his ringmaster, Larry Gagosian, had to offer any more proof that anyone sucked into buying one of 2 million “spot” “paintings” done by one of Hirst’s 44 “assistants”, has the intelligence just a notch above asparagus, they have come up with a new ploy. 

Anyone that signs up for a gold voucher and visits all 11 of the Gagosian galleries spread around the globe, from NYC to Paris to Athens to Hong Kong, et. al., will receive a signed print FOR FREE!.

The estimated cost of such a travel endeavor would range, according to travel agents, from $15,000 at the barest $5 a-day trip to $75,000 for the affluent.  The cost of a print if you simply took a cab to, say the NYC gallery,….about $3,500.

Nonetheless, the Gallery reports that 700 people thus far have signed up for vouchers to be able to brag about their free  Damien Hirst print.  Wouldn’t it just be cheaper and save a whole lot of time if they just wore a sticker that said, “Hello, I’m dumber than asparagus” ?

The modern day version of PT Barnum and Tom Thumb are at it again.  Larry Gagosian  and “artist” Damien Hirst, that wonderful pair that have brought the art world a rotting shark in a tank, dead sheep and maggots feeding on a cows head, have a new exhibit.  Or rather exhibits.

8 Gagosian galleries around the globe are simultaneously exhibiting a series of canvas’s on which Tom Thumb, nee D. Hirst, has attached a bunch of circles.  Actually, Tom Thumb’s assistants did the attaching as it is beneath a wealthy ”artist” like TT to stoop to glueing circles on canvas particularly when you have to glue about 1,500 of the damn things.  In the New York gallery alone, there are 74 “different” works.  By “different”, ring-master Gagosian means some of the works are small and some are big.  Some have 50 circles, some have only 8.

As usual, art critics for major media have bent semantics to the breaking point to try and justify the buzz which they alone (aside from some shrewd buck-turning “investors” like London’s Charles Saatchi) create.  For example, NY Times’s Roberta Smith wrote that the project was, “a blatant promotion of both the Hirst and Gagosian brands, and a sitting-duck symbol of the end-time, we’re-doing-this-because-we-can-decandence that has subsumed so much of the art world; another example of money celebrating itself.”

But, Ms. Smith realized that she couldn’t end there, because maybe the lack of clothes on the emperor might imperil her profession, so she subsequently and quickly writes that the project is ..”more complicated…challenges you to hold opposing ideas at the same time.”  Kind of like an art critic trying to justify what she knows is nothing but pure crap!!  But, meanwhile, mssrs. Gagosian and Hirst are laughing all the way to the bank.

I understand that you’re still upset that the government won’t raise your taxes.  I can sympathize with your position as I realize how much hell it must be trying to figure out what to do with all those extra millions and billions just sitting around.  Among other problems you probably have to spend a great deal of time fending off insurance agents, stock brokers, vacuum salesmen…all suggesting ways to spend a few catrillion.

I feel that I should pitch in as an American patriot and do what I can to help.  To that end I’m enclosing my 2010, 1099 form for your consideration.  I don’t mean to rush you in anyway, but my extension is due shortly and both the IRS and my accountant would be pleased if you could pay this as soon as possible.  I know this doesn’t solve all your tax problems, but if you’d  like I could forward a list of some friends who would probably vounteer to  have you pay their taxes…2011 of course, I wouldn’t want to rush you with more 2010 obligations.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter and by the way, you should be pleased to know that I re-financed my mortgage this week through Bank of America.  Just trying to extend a  helping hand to a fellow American.  May I call you Warren?

     It’s been 35 years since I was in the Mary Boone gallery in New York City, but I was pleased to read in the Times today that she is still a premier promoter of sham in the world of “modern art.”  I thought it impossible to top her promotion of Julian Schnabel, creator of some of the ugliest “art” ever to disgrace a wall, but she has.

     Her latest exhibit features a giant pile of salt which “artist” Terence Koh slowly circles on his knees for 8 hours.  This is the same guy that uses his own (hopefully) semen  to create paintings, covers his own (again,hopefully) excrement with gold leaf ( didn’t Damien Hirst tradmark that sort of thing) and set a blinding light on a tripod in an empty gallery at the Whitney.

     The fact that Mr. Koh is not laughed out of town simply proves that the New York and London art circles are governed by sycophantic critics too myopic to recognize the emperor has no clothes.  Ms. Boone must laugh all the way to the bank.

    I often wonder what ad agencies and their clients are thinking.  No more so than this morning.  Following a Boston Globe front-page article on the woes caused by the amount of snow that has pelted the Greater Boston area, there is an ad for Icelandair on page 12 that trumpets:

    “The best part of a trip to London is Iceland…stop over in Iceland at no additional airfare!”

    What audience are they trying to reach??  Wouldn’t a more effective headline read:

    “Book now to London and we promise NOT to stop in Iceland!!”