Wry On The Rocks

     President Obama will be in Tampa today to announce a 1.24 billion dollar plan to build a high speed train service from there to Orlando.  According to Google,  it is 91 miles from Tampa to Orlando and takes 1 hour and 29 minutes by car. Heck, It takes that long just to get across Tampa in rush hour for crissakes, but you don’t see him building a bullet train for that.  So, here’s my question….just how fast do the people in Tampa need to get to Disney World?

    Is he concerned that someone living in Tampa  may have to commute to Disney World for their job?  I have an idea Mr. President; give them money to buy another house.  You can buy any house in Florida right now for $42.  I figure you can relocate the entire population of Tampa to Orlando for about 65-grand.  Throw in another 3-grand for shuffleboard courts and half the people won’t even notice the difference.

    Unfortunately, the President’s plans don’t stop there.  He envisions a further expense by expanding the high speed service from Orlando to Miami.  One problem with that plan.  No one from Orlando goes to Miami.  New Yorkers go to Miami.  New Jerseyites go to Miami.  Germans, Russians, Brazilians, Bolivians, Equadorians, and Sean Penn go to Miami.  Orlando folk do not go to Miami.

    So ditch that one too Mr. President and take the money saved and spend it where rapid transit is really needed.  Us folks up north don’t need a bullet train to get to Disney World…just a way to get through D.C. on route 95 in less than a day and a half.  That’s change that Mickey would cheer and could help you recapture Massachusetts!

      The Obama administration has notified GE’s subsidiary, NBC,  that it is issuing a restraining order against it’s obscene bonus payments to under-performing late-night TV hosts.  The administration is particularly upset with the fact that Conan O’Brien is being paid $30 million for five months work.  That dwarfs most pay-outs to Wall Street executives by a long shot.  “Let’s face it,” said a White House source, ” the stock market was only down 30% in a whole year, while O’Brien’s ratings were down 50% in just five months!”  

     The administration official rejected O’Brien’s claim that Jay Leno was the reason for his low ratings.  “That doesn’t float,” the official is reported to have responded, “at some point we all have to take responsiblity for our own actions.  I mean how would you  like it if the President of the United States kept blaming his predecessor for his problems?”

    Conan O’Brien’s staff held an emergency meeting with the late night host following NBC’s decision to remove  O’Brien from the 11:30 PM time slot.  Apparently, they had  never bothered to explain the term “ratings” to the Harvard grad or how networks and advertisers depended upon an ”audience.”  Following the meeting, Conan’s staff issued a press release stating that had he been aware of what the network expected of him, he would have spent more time being funny and less time sucking his thumb.

Maria Shriver was caught breaking the law…a law just signed into effect by her Governator husband…by using her cell phone while driving.  Showing complete remorse, Ms. Shriver described her ordeal as a “teachable event.”  Shouldn’t that really be a “learnable event”?  Why do celebrities always think we’re the ones that need to learn something from their mistakes?  But, obviously Mrs. Governator is truly sorry for her infraction as she promised to make the supreme sacrifice…she’s donating her old cell phone to Hopeline to aid domestic violence clinics across the country!  Her husband is worth 9 zillion dollars and she’s donating a freaking cell phone???  Actually, that might have put her in the running for the Nobel prize for philantropy, but the Nobel committee just learned that Obama tipped his caddy two bucks last week!  Sorry Maria.

President Obama’s garden beer hour to teach racial tolerance to Sgt. Crowley this week went well right up until the end.  Unfortunately Louis Gates took the concept of kissing and making up all too literally.  It seems that after the affair in the garden was over, Gates attempted another affair when he hit on Sgt. Crowley in the parking lot.  Rebuffed by the officer, Gates immediately convinced Obama to book another beer get-together scheduled for next week; teaching homophobia tolerance to straight cops. 

Now if Sgt. Crowley would only show up in a tee shirt bearing the message that “plovers taste just like chicken!” he might find a permanent place at the White House picnic table.