Wry On The Rocks

     If I seem a little cranky this morning it is due to a new European scientific report that purports that short people are more prone to heart problems than tall people.  In fact, the study claims that short people have a 50% higher risk of heart problems or dying of one (which certainly could be considered a “problem”) than tall people. 

     At 5’7″ in height, I have never considered myself short, and  the authors of  this study agree; they define “short” as anyone under 5′ 3″ and “tall” as anyone over 5′ 9″ .  However, I have  great empathy for short people ever since Randy Newman dissed them some years ago.  (Don’t you love guys with speech impediments who make fun of other people!)  But, my empathy aside, here is one of my problems with the study…what about us guys in-between??  The 5-foot 7-inch guys??  Or the 5-foot 4-inch, 5-foot 8- inch…etc.??  What are our odds??  They absolutely disregard the concerns of 50% of the world’s population??  (I just made up that number, but prove me wrong!)  Or…what if you’re 5-foot, 3-and a half-inches tall?

     Here’s another problem I have with the study…the lead author was Tuula Paajanen from Tumpere University.  First, I make it a habit never to trust anyone with successive vowels in both their first and last name and, second, who the hell has ever heard of Tumpere University?  My, shall I say skepicism, in her study was summed up in her attempt at consoling  short people.  ”Height is only one factor”, she wrote, noting that other factors like smoking and excercising and diet may come into play and suggested that short people concentrate on those issues since, “those are easier to change than your height!”  Gee, Doc, do you think??

     It is studies like this that make me more than ever convinced that when I’m King, I’m only going to allow scientific reports that seek to solve important issues.  So, please feel free to e-mail me at john@wryontherrocks.com if you have an issue you feel worthy of government funding.  Here are some issues that have been bothering me:

• why can’t we keep Kate Gosselin off television
• why can’t I find any blue food at the supermarket
• why is my left foot slightly larger than my right foot
• why do I need three remotes for one television; none of which seem to work
• why do big fat people always have little bitty dogs
• why doesn’t Disney realize no matter how many ways he bends the line I still know it takes an hour to get into “Space Mountain”
• why is NASCAR so popular

    (This guy just realized he’s 4 foot 11)

If you happen to be in D.C. today you have the fortunate opportunity to see a special exhibit of hairballs at the National Museum of Health and Medicine! Over 20 different hairballs will be on display including those from cats, cows and little girls. Can’t make D.C. today? It’s OK, you can view a graphic display of hairballs at their web-site..assuming you don’t want to keep down your lunch. Believe it or not, hairballs have been used in many cultures for years as an antidote against poisoning. In China, for example, ground-up cow hairballs, properly known as bezoars, have been used for over a thousand years to treat ailments such as disease of the mouth. Probably a good idea not to ask what’s in the spring rolls next time you order out.

COVER YOUR MOUTH PLEASE
The timing could not have been better.  Just when I was waffling on whether to stick to my fruit and veggie diet following my holiday excesses I find that my weight gain has nothing to do with the extra helping of stuffing I had at Thanksgiving.  My weight gain, in fact, was caused by a virus.

Yep, just as I was about to toss all good intentions to the wind and break open the Ben and Jerry’s, which of course would cause an onslaught of guilt, relieved only by several shakers of the duration-banned martini, science rode to my rescue.   The Pennington Biomedical Research Center in Baton Rouge, Louisiana has just published the claim that fat tissue is enlarged by a highly infectious virus.  The virus, named AD-36, infects the lungs, according to the study, and then spreads through the body causing fat cells to multiply.  The head of the project, one Nikhil Dhurandhar, stated that the virus can be spread through a person’s coughing or sneezing and can cause sniffles and sore throats in the victims.

 I always suspected it wasn’t the ice cream; all along it’s been that damn AD-36!  I think that this study could very well be the answer to the economic stimulus this country needs; the very impetus that brings consumers back to the grocery aisles, fast food lanes and the much-maligned Twinkie.   I know that I’ll be busy stockpiling Chunky Monkey.

This will be a giant boon to many new and existing hucksters. Any day I expect to see Billy Mays screaming at me that he has a product that not only wards off the AD-36 virus, but unclogs the sink, darns socks and removes unwanted hair.  Or, maybe we’ll see a drug company ad featuring an obese couple holding hands while lounging in separate bathtubs before a setting sun while the sound track plays “Why Not Take All of Me”.
Yes, I see a giant mantle of guilt lifting over a large part of our populace.  So, the next time someone sneezes near you…it’s OK, go ahead… have another piece of cheesecake.  It’s not your fault.

Think all medical procedures have become too expensive?  How would you like free surgery?  Massachusetts hospitals have made free medical care easy.  All you need to do is have your surgeon remove the wrong body part.  That’s not all.  THe Mass Hospital Association has generously agreed not to charge for a total of 8 procedures.  If for example, your doctor leaves a foreign object in your body…no charge.  Or how about if you die because of a medication error…again absolutely no charge.  Send a baby home with the wrong parents…perform surgery on the wrong patient…inseminate with the wrong donor seman…?  Yes, yes and yes, all perfectly free.  Don’t you feel much better now.  Dr. Lucian Leape, of the Harvard School of Public Health, believes that, “…this is a very important step.” 

My question is how much did the doctors charge in previous years for some of these procedures.  Exactly what was the charge for removing the wrong organ?  Or operating on the wrong patient?  And am I entitled to a rebate if a class ring is found in my liver from a previous operation?