Wry On The Rocks

     President Obama this morning angerly warned BP that it better not pay out millions of dollars in stock dividends to the shareholders while it was “nickel and diming” the residents and business interests in the Gulf area.

     When it was pointed out to the President that  millions of people including retirees and pension funds depend on the dividend income to help pay for living expenses he immediately assailed BP for considering a dividend cut . ”My daughter interrupted a cabinet meeting this afternoon,” the President explained, “and asked, ‘Daddy have you paid the dividend been paid yet’?'”   He promised her he would not let BP ”nickel and dime”  the American shareholder as he outlined a six-billion dollar stimulus plan for all BP shareholders.

Best sub-headline of the Boston Globe this week…”Obama’s aunt is granted asylum…critics contend politics played role in decision!”   Do you think??

Neither the President or his spokesperson had any comment on the decision in favor of his aunt, Zeituni Onyango, who has been living illegally in the US since 2000.

     Boston Mayor Thomas “Mumbles” Menino has wasted no time in reacting to Arizona’s new draconian policy toward illegal immigrants.  Recognizing that illegals may not be able to trek their way through the former Arizona gateway to Boston, the Mayor with the backing of the Boston City Council, has announced a 25-million-dollar plan to fly illegal immigrants directly from Juarez, Mexico to Boston’s Logan airport.

     “To treat illegal immigrants as criminals is abhorrent”, the Mayor claimed in his announcement.  When asked if the very word illegal wasn’t defined as not legal, i.e. criminal, the Mayor responded that he didn’t need any smart-ass college type reporter parsing his words. The Mayor spoke for a few more minutes, but the best anyone could make out was, “mmhwha musha bublleme… ” or something like it.

    The Mayor did admit later he had no idea what parsing meant.  Or abhorrent.

    Michele Obama lashed out at George Bush today in announcing her mission to solve the obesity problem among young people.  The First Lady pointed out that one-third of young Americans today are over-weight and under nourished; a problem caused, she explained, by former President Bush.  “It’s no secret,” she said, “that Mr. Bush had a weakness for M&M’s.  In fact, when he left the White House, he presented each of the press corps with a gift-wrapped box of M&M’s embroidered with the Presidential seal.  What kind of message was that to send to the youth of America?”

    Mrs. Obama discussed her goal of trying to un-do the 8-years of damage to nutritional values caused by the previous administration.  “What we need to do is get kids to eat more fruits, for example,”  she explained, “maybe the way we do it at State dinners..fruits dipped in chocolate.  We find it the perfect companion to the pumpkin pie tart, whipped cream & caramel sauce, petits fores and pecan pralines that ends our meals.”

     If that doesn’t work, she suggested that  they could eat cake.

     President Obama will be in Tampa today to announce a 1.24 billion dollar plan to build a high speed train service from there to Orlando.  According to Google,  it is 91 miles from Tampa to Orlando and takes 1 hour and 29 minutes by car. Heck, It takes that long just to get across Tampa in rush hour for crissakes, but you don’t see him building a bullet train for that.  So, here’s my question….just how fast do the people in Tampa need to get to Disney World?

    Is he concerned that someone living in Tampa  may have to commute to Disney World for their job?  I have an idea Mr. President; give them money to buy another house.  You can buy any house in Florida right now for $42.  I figure you can relocate the entire population of Tampa to Orlando for about 65-grand.  Throw in another 3-grand for shuffleboard courts and half the people won’t even notice the difference.

    Unfortunately, the President’s plans don’t stop there.  He envisions a further expense by expanding the high speed service from Orlando to Miami.  One problem with that plan.  No one from Orlando goes to Miami.  New Yorkers go to Miami.  New Jerseyites go to Miami.  Germans, Russians, Brazilians, Bolivians, Equadorians, and Sean Penn go to Miami.  Orlando folk do not go to Miami.

    So ditch that one too Mr. President and take the money saved and spend it where rapid transit is really needed.  Us folks up north don’t need a bullet train to get to Disney World…just a way to get through D.C. on route 95 in less than a day and a half.  That’s change that Mickey would cheer and could help you recapture Massachusetts!