Wry On The Rocks

The National Rifle Association brokered a last minute deal that settled the NBA player/management negotiations.  In a 11th-hour compromise, management agreed to “look the other way” for any player  carrying concealed weapons into strip clubs, dance clubs, high school reunions or divorce proceedings in return for  players agreeing not to carry anything larger than an AK-47 within 100 yards of their home arena.

Other concessions included management agreeing to paying the full cost of a players first 40 tattoos  and half the cost of diamond ear studs and/or gold teeth implants, not to exceed two front and one incisor. 

 Both sides agreed to limit the hang time on a rim to 30 seconds and the length of this years game shorts to 14 inches below the knee.

Being raised in Florida in the pre-Ice  Age, I still don’t understand the game (?) of hockey, but in watching the news this morning on the results of the Stanley Cup, it appears that hockey fans are a truly democratic bunch.  It was impossible to tell the winning fans from the losers according to the footage from Vancouver and Boston.  Apparently nothing says “hockey fan” like chunking a garbage can through a plate glass window unless it’s setting a car on fire.

     Once the most watched sport on television, NASCAR has seen it’s TV ratings slip steadlity over the past 7 years from the peak of it’s popularity in 2004.  Looking to recover it’s former glory, the governing body has recently revised it’s rules to bring back the fans. 

     It has loosened it’s rules regarding aggressive behavior, now following a “have at it” policy that allows “shoving, swearing and rubbing bumpers” both on and off the track.  To boost this new image, NASCAR has signed contracts with James Harrison, Hines Ward, Andy Sutton and Mr. T to drive in their respective off-seasons.  Oft penalized NFLer Hines Ward said “It’s about time somebody realized what real fans are looking for”.

     However, it’s the new cooler policy that NASCAR is really betting on…raising the limit of beers from a six-pack to 36 cans!  Nothing beats watching a fan fall out of the stands to increase attendance.

     I  just finished driving 1500 miles from Boston to Longboat Key, Florida and here’s my question today;  why isn’t Interstate 95 knee-deep in dead young motorcyclists?  Look up death wish in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of a kid on a Honda, hunched over his handle bars, weaving through traffic in an attempt to break the sound barrier. This kid is 20 going on 12.  But, he’s OK…he’s wearing a helmet.  He’s wearing a tee shirt, cut-offs, sneakers,…and a helmet.  This is very good, of course, because the last thing you want to be without when you hit the pavement at 190 miles an hour is a helmet.  It is very useful in helping to  identify the body.  

      Higher up the food chain is the Harley Dude.  He is between 30 and 50 and sports gray hair pulled back in a ponytail which sneaks out from under his WW II helmet. He is  fully clad in either denim or leather and looks like he just finished adjusting carburetors or flushing cooling systems.  But, unlike Kid on a Honda, all tight and intent on keeping his date with destiny, Harley Dude is cool.  He sits back in the saddle with his handle bars cranked up so high he appears to kind of hang from them.  You’ll find that most Harley Dudes have very long arms. 

     At the highest end of the motorcycle spectrum is the Senior Rider.  This guy is over 50 and is riding in a small  RV on two wheels.  He is often pulling a small, matching  trailer which presumably carries his Depends and back-up dentures.  The dashboard was originally designed for the 747.  Whereas the  Honda is usually yellow or red and the Harley dude’s bike is black, Senior Rider’s traveling motel is invariably maroon.  It’s the law.  His bike is maroon, his trailer is maroon and his helmet is maroon.  The helmet , incidentally, was designed by NASA and includes a two-way radio  which allows him to communicate with his wife who sits in a Lazy-Boy at his back.  You don’t see them talking very often.

      I’m sure that all of these folks have a reason why they’d rather tempt fate on two wheels, but I suppose it could be worse.  They could be driving a Toyota.

     I just found out that I missed one of the highlights of the Winter Olympics…the Canadian women’s hockey team drinking beer and smoking cigars.  Now, the reason I missed it was I wasn’t watching the game.  There are many activities of which I either have no interest or have relegated to my “bucket list”…I thought I might watch women’s hockey before I die, but wasn’t in any hurry.

      Understand that I like to watch women’s events as much as the next guy;  swimming… beach volleyball… the Sports Illustrated cover competition…but, with hockey how did I know that those were really women under all that stuff ?  Well, now I know.  Let’s face it…nothing says woman like a good cigar and a beer.  I think I’ve just become a fan.