Wry On The Rocks

In the current brouhaha over the TSA body searches at the nation’s airports, there has arisen a battle cry of “don’t touch my junk!”  Now, I have no idea who invented this phrase, but it is obviously someone with a very low-self esteem problem. 

I’m ordinarily not the bragging type, but I’m sorry..I do not consider that part of my anatomy as junk!  Admittedly the phrase “family jewels” might be a little too narcissistic, but I’d rather be thought of as having an over-blown ego than an undernourished John Thomas. (see Sex in the City!)

So, if I’m faced with a groping at Logan, I plan to take a page from the Victorian playbook and sternly advise the TSA handler to stay away from my bawble!  And that goes double for my tallwags, trinkets and twiddle-diddles !

     If I seem a little cranky this morning it is due to a new European scientific report that purports that short people are more prone to heart problems than tall people.  In fact, the study claims that short people have a 50% higher risk of heart problems or dying of one (which certainly could be considered a “problem”) than tall people. 

     At 5’7″ in height, I have never considered myself short, and  the authors of  this study agree; they define “short” as anyone under 5′ 3″ and “tall” as anyone over 5′ 9″ .  However, I have  great empathy for short people ever since Randy Newman dissed them some years ago.  (Don’t you love guys with speech impediments who make fun of other people!)  But, my empathy aside, here is one of my problems with the study…what about us guys in-between??  The 5-foot 7-inch guys??  Or the 5-foot 4-inch, 5-foot 8- inch…etc.??  What are our odds??  They absolutely disregard the concerns of 50% of the world’s population??  (I just made up that number, but prove me wrong!)  Or…what if you’re 5-foot, 3-and a half-inches tall?

     Here’s another problem I have with the study…the lead author was Tuula Paajanen from Tumpere University.  First, I make it a habit never to trust anyone with successive vowels in both their first and last name and, second, who the hell has ever heard of Tumpere University?  My, shall I say skepicism, in her study was summed up in her attempt at consoling  short people.  ”Height is only one factor”, she wrote, noting that other factors like smoking and excercising and diet may come into play and suggested that short people concentrate on those issues since, “those are easier to change than your height!”  Gee, Doc, do you think??

     It is studies like this that make me more than ever convinced that when I’m King, I’m only going to allow scientific reports that seek to solve important issues.  So, please feel free to e-mail me at john@wryontherrocks.com if you have an issue you feel worthy of government funding.  Here are some issues that have been bothering me:

• why can’t we keep Kate Gosselin off television
• why can’t I find any blue food at the supermarket
• why is my left foot slightly larger than my right foot
• why do I need three remotes for one television; none of which seem to work
• why do big fat people always have little bitty dogs
• why doesn’t Disney realize no matter how many ways he bends the line I still know it takes an hour to get into “Space Mountain”
• why is NASCAR so popular

    (This guy just realized he’s 4 foot 11)

    The president of Toyota cars, Akio Toyoda, has been making the rounds recently to re-assure customers that he still makes the best cars in the world.  “I personally insure the quality of every car”, said Mr. Toyoda, “because my name is on every Toyota.”

    Now why should we trust anything said by a man that can’t even spell his own name.

In case you missed it, Christie’s auction house recently sold Leonore Annenberg’s 32.01 carat emerald-cut diamond for $7.7 million.  Leonore was the wife of billionaire publisher Walter Annenberg and bought the ring herself to mark her 90th birthday.

Francois Curiel, the international head of Christie’s jewel auction was quoted as referring to the walnut sized diamond as coming to the auction with the “impeccable provenance or the Annenberg name.”  He went on to exclaim that the diamond, “combines the best of the four C’s: color, clarity, cut and weight.” 

Now I think if you’re going to buy a ring for $7.7 million, you ought to get four C’s.  Personally, I wouldn’t pay more than $3 million for 3 C’s and a W!

Did something get lost in the translation?  The fastest growing airline in Central Europe, according to the Wall Street Journal, is Hungarian Airlines Wizz Air.  Now, it may be the best airline in the world for all I know, but I’m not flying on a plane with a name belonging to a Saturday morning TV show.  “Hey, boys and girls, lets all go to Munchin Land.  Close your eyes and flap your arms real hard ’cause we’ll be flying on…Wizz Air!” 

What’s next….Polish Air announcing the launch of Sky Scooter?  TeleTubbies serving free KoolAid?  No thanks…I’m sticking with American or Delta or United!  (I’m still working on Virgin Air although I’d probably feel safer with an airline called “Been Around the Track a Few Times Air” or “You’re Not The First Big Guy Airways”)