Wry On The Rocks

Dear Mr. Buffett,

     I read that you have called a number of your fellow billionaires in an effort to have them sign a pledge to donate at least 50% of their fortunes to charitable causes.  Those signing up will join you for a lunch several times a year to discuss various strategies for following through on that pledge.

     I also read that while 40 of your peers have signed up, you are still looking for more pledges and making more calls.  While I have not yet received your call (Verizon claims they can resume my service as soon as my check clears), you can e-mail me at wryontherocks.com.  I would be happy to sign your pledge.  While I’m a little short of a billion dollars at the present time, I have detected a pattern to the PowerBall numbers. As a sign of good faith, I’m enclosing $5… Verizon can wait. 

     Thank you for your time and I look forward to joining you for lunch in the near future.  (Hopefully there is a good restaurant near the Omaha Greyhound station?)

John

(to read the full column go to www.wrysandwherefores.com)

     Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have announced that they are engaged to be married.  In announcing their engagement, the 19-year-old Bristol stated that even though they are formally engaged they will not live together and will practice abstinence from sexual relations until they are actually wed.

     Bristol and Levi’s 19-month-old son, Tripp, is scheduled to be a guest on Larry King’s show to explain  his mother’s interpretation of abstinence.

     If I seem a little cranky this morning it is due to a new European scientific report that purports that short people are more prone to heart problems than tall people.  In fact, the study claims that short people have a 50% higher risk of heart problems or dying of one (which certainly could be considered a “problem”) than tall people. 

     At 5’7″ in height, I have never considered myself short, and  the authors of  this study agree; they define “short” as anyone under 5′ 3″ and “tall” as anyone over 5′ 9″ .  However, I have  great empathy for short people ever since Randy Newman dissed them some years ago.  (Don’t you love guys with speech impediments who make fun of other people!)  But, my empathy aside, here is one of my problems with the study…what about us guys in-between??  The 5-foot 7-inch guys??  Or the 5-foot 4-inch, 5-foot 8- inch…etc.??  What are our odds??  They absolutely disregard the concerns of 50% of the world’s population??  (I just made up that number, but prove me wrong!)  Or…what if you’re 5-foot, 3-and a half-inches tall?

     Here’s another problem I have with the study…the lead author was Tuula Paajanen from Tumpere University.  First, I make it a habit never to trust anyone with successive vowels in both their first and last name and, second, who the hell has ever heard of Tumpere University?  My, shall I say skepicism, in her study was summed up in her attempt at consoling  short people.  ”Height is only one factor”, she wrote, noting that other factors like smoking and excercising and diet may come into play and suggested that short people concentrate on those issues since, “those are easier to change than your height!”  Gee, Doc, do you think??

     It is studies like this that make me more than ever convinced that when I’m King, I’m only going to allow scientific reports that seek to solve important issues.  So, please feel free to e-mail me at john@wryontherrocks.com if you have an issue you feel worthy of government funding.  Here are some issues that have been bothering me:

• why can’t we keep Kate Gosselin off television
• why can’t I find any blue food at the supermarket
• why is my left foot slightly larger than my right foot
• why do I need three remotes for one television; none of which seem to work
• why do big fat people always have little bitty dogs
• why doesn’t Disney realize no matter how many ways he bends the line I still know it takes an hour to get into “Space Mountain”
• why is NASCAR so popular

    (This guy just realized he’s 4 foot 11)

     Last evening, the Boston Pops premiered a tribute to the Kennedy legacy entitled “The Dream Lives On: A Portrait of the Kennedy Brothers.”  The musical piece, written by Peter Boyer with lyrics by Lynn Ahrens, includes quotes from various speeches by the three brothers and was spoken from the stage by actors Robert De Niro, Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman.

     The high profile audience at Symphony Hall included Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, Senate President Therese Muray, UMass president Jack Wilson and JFK Library Foundation CEO David McKean.

     While members of the Kennedy family were expected to attend the evenings festivities, several were noticeably absent.  Joe Kennedy was busy pumping gas in Everett, Mrs. Robert Kennedy Jr. was apparently unable to raise bail, and Patrick Kennedy was arrested for driving his car up the Museum of Fine Arts steps at 3 in the morning.  He claimed he was there to see the Kennedy brothers portrait.

     Katie Couric just lost an evening news viewer.  At 8:15 this morning on the CBS Good Morning America show she “previewed” the news that she would be reporting on her 6:30PM show TONIGHT!  How she knew  10 hours ahead of time what the news of the day was going to be is simply unbelievable.  It’s an amazing gift, but I wonder though if CBS has really thought this “preview” idea through.  Why would anyone waste time watching Katie at night when she’s already dished  the scoop in the morning?

     In an effort to one-up Katie and CBS, it is rumored that Brian Williams will begin giving the Tuesday night news on his Monday night broadcast and continue to stay ahead of the competition by a good 24 hours through-out the week.

     The best bet, however, is on the ABC evening news where Diane Sawyer is going to be announcing the Wednesday PowerBall number on her Tuesday night show.  Now that’s network news worth watching.

                   (read more on this at www.wrysandwherefores.com)