Wry On The Rocks

     Reynolds American announced today that it has acquired Niconovum AB for $44 million.  Reynolds is the second largest tobacco company in the U.S. marketing cigarettes like Camel, Pall Mall, Winston and Kool.  Niconovum sells Zonnic, a product to help people stop smoking.  Did I miss something?  Is that like writing options against your main product?  Is it sort of like GM hiring Ralph Nader as President.

      How does the VP of sales for Niconovum convince the VP of sales for Camel that his 20% sales increase is a good thing?  And if Pall Mall sales increase, does that call for a lay-off of Niconovum employees?

    If this merger proves successful will we see McDonalds making a bid for WeightWatchers?  Perdue Chicken buying PETA? 

     Maybe Reynolds is taking a page out of the Don’s playbook; keeping their friends close, but their enemies closer.  Hopefully, the head honchos at Niconovum  don’t own any horses.

You got to hand it to Millie Hinkle; the woman’s got spunk.  The 57-year-old natural medicine practioner has decided that camel milk can cure all of our ills.  She has devoted her life to bringing camel milk to the American public and has drained her savings, not to mention her common sense, to this cause.  According to Ms. Hinkle milk from the humped ones can cure disease, increase virility and contain unknown magical powers.  Her efforts have gained her preliminary approval from the FDA to market the milk.  At the same time it, should be noted, that they tentatively approved the sale of milk from reindeer, Llamas, moose and donkeys.  This, of course will make the marketing of camel milk that much more difficult.  Imagine the quandry of the average shopper in the market…hmmm, what do I feel like today…moose milk?…donkey milk?..what..no aardvark milk?

There is one other little problem with Ms. Hinkle’s goal; she only has one camel and camels are notoriously cantankerous and getting milked ranks very high on their list of things that make them that way.   Other than that, she may be on to something.  It can’t possibly taste worse than Gatorade …..talking about cantankerous animals!

The Windy City folk are understandably upset that President Obama couldn’t bring home the gold from Denmark.  The question on every-one’s mind is …why did he choose to fly over the ocean like some common mortal when he just as easily could have walked. 

If it’s any consolation to the Windy City folks, the IOC is considering adding “Walking On Water” as an Olympic sport for 2016.

I have just finished reading about the restrictions placed on many Wall Street heavy hitters which include fines at Bank of Boston’s Merrill Lynch division, memo’s at Goldman Sachs warning against “conspicuous” spending and Mrs. Bernie Madoff having to account for any purchase over $100.  After digesting this info in a leading business daily, I noticed a rather prominent ad in the same paper from a New Orleans antiques dealer, M.S. Rau, offering a “complete 19th century suit of armor in the Maximillian style, with a fully detailed horse model.”  The entire ensemble of horse and armor-clad rider stands over 7 1/2 feet tall and 7 feet long.  Now, exactly how, I wonder, does Goldman Sachs define conspicuous?

Soap should be smooth.  Soap should be white with rounded edges to fit in your hand.  Soap should not be bought in a store with the word “au” in it’s name.  Soap should be bought in an A&P and should be wrapped in plain paper; soap should not be wrapped like a birthday gift.  Soap should not smell like perfume; it should sting when it gets in your eyes.  Soap should only come in a liquid dispenser in public places like gyms or prisons…I know who has been in my shower.

So no more of these, OK?

Good.  Now, did I mention the hair in the sink?