Wry On The Rocks

    Michele Obama lashed out at George Bush today in announcing her mission to solve the obesity problem among young people.  The First Lady pointed out that one-third of young Americans today are over-weight and under nourished; a problem caused, she explained, by former President Bush.  “It’s no secret,” she said, “that Mr. Bush had a weakness for M&M’s.  In fact, when he left the White House, he presented each of the press corps with a gift-wrapped box of M&M’s embroidered with the Presidential seal.  What kind of message was that to send to the youth of America?”

    Mrs. Obama discussed her goal of trying to un-do the 8-years of damage to nutritional values caused by the previous administration.  “What we need to do is get kids to eat more fruits, for example,”  she explained, “maybe the way we do it at State dinners..fruits dipped in chocolate.  We find it the perfect companion to the pumpkin pie tart, whipped cream & caramel sauce, petits fores and pecan pralines that ends our meals.”

     If that doesn’t work, she suggested that  they could eat cake.

Here’s a flash….The Boston Globe just endorsed Democratic Senatorial candidate Martha Coakley!!  And they call it a NEWSpaper.  I have an idea…how about The Globe endorsing a Republican?  Now, that would be news!

     Reynolds American announced today that it has acquired Niconovum AB for $44 million.  Reynolds is the second largest tobacco company in the U.S. marketing cigarettes like Camel, Pall Mall, Winston and Kool.  Niconovum sells Zonnic, a product to help people stop smoking.  Did I miss something?  Is that like writing options against your main product?  Is it sort of like GM hiring Ralph Nader as President.

      How does the VP of sales for Niconovum convince the VP of sales for Camel that his 20% sales increase is a good thing?  And if Pall Mall sales increase, does that call for a lay-off of Niconovum employees?

    If this merger proves successful will we see McDonalds making a bid for WeightWatchers?  Perdue Chicken buying PETA? 

     Maybe Reynolds is taking a page out of the Don’s playbook; keeping their friends close, but their enemies closer.  Hopefully, the head honchos at Niconovum  don’t own any horses.

You got to hand it to Millie Hinkle; the woman’s got spunk.  The 57-year-old natural medicine practioner has decided that camel milk can cure all of our ills.  She has devoted her life to bringing camel milk to the American public and has drained her savings, not to mention her common sense, to this cause.  According to Ms. Hinkle milk from the humped ones can cure disease, increase virility and contain unknown magical powers.  Her efforts have gained her preliminary approval from the FDA to market the milk.  At the same time it, should be noted, that they tentatively approved the sale of milk from reindeer, Llamas, moose and donkeys.  This, of course will make the marketing of camel milk that much more difficult.  Imagine the quandry of the average shopper in the market…hmmm, what do I feel like today…moose milk?…donkey milk?..what..no aardvark milk?

There is one other little problem with Ms. Hinkle’s goal; she only has one camel and camels are notoriously cantankerous and getting milked ranks very high on their list of things that make them that way.   Other than that, she may be on to something.  It can’t possibly taste worse than Gatorade …..talking about cantankerous animals!

The Windy City folk are understandably upset that President Obama couldn’t bring home the gold from Denmark.  The question on every-one’s mind is …why did he choose to fly over the ocean like some common mortal when he just as easily could have walked. 

If it’s any consolation to the Windy City folks, the IOC is considering adding “Walking On Water” as an Olympic sport for 2016.