Wry On The Rocks

Just when I thought the Globe had forgotten all about Tom Brady, he’s back in full force.  He’s once again the center-fold in the Names section of the Globe…and once again, yep,  publicly canoodling with Gisele what’s-her-name.  You should note  that it appears in the same issue as the announcement that the Globe will not be shut down as previously threatened by the New York Times.  Coincidence??  Not really.  Apparently, Mark Shanahan & Meredith Goldstein, editors of Names, have been promised the sought after life-time employment if they feature Tom ”the canoodler” Brady at least once a week.

 You know the marketing guys at Anheuser-Busch are getting a little long in the tooth when you read that they are going to build a whole campaign around table tennis, more popularly known as ping-pong.  The boys at Bud have heard that ping-pong is really cool again and they aim to cash in with a series of national tournaments culminating in finals to be held in Las Vegas.  They have partnered with the Mark Gordon Company which produces “Grey’s Anatomy” which, while I have never watched, I don’t think has anything to do with ping-pong.  But, showing that he’s up on the-whats-happening-now scene, Gordon Company exec Jordan Wynn claims that ping-pong has sex appeal…”It’s taking on this cool cultural space of short-shorts and retro headbands…..”  Retro headbands??  Short-shorts?? No question you’re hep to the in-crowd,  Jordan.  You don’t happen to be sporting a duck-tail hair cut by any chance?

I don’t know what game the retro headbanders are playing in St. Louis, Augie, but  now that you’re owned by a British company, something obviously got lost in the translation.  I think it’s entirely possible your instructions were to start sponsoring a game  the Brits call PINT PONG and the first word got garbled in transmission.  Over here it’s called BEER PONG, Augie…or just PONG…no paddles needed.  Just a ball and lots of beer!   

Best advice at this point…send duck tail boy back to TV land and back off the ping pong thing.  Trust me…Forrest Gump was not a beer drinker.

How many more months am I going to have to open the paper and see Tom Brady on the society page?  I don’t want to see my quarterbacks on the society page…I want to see them on the sports page where they belong!  And I damn sure don’t want to see them “canoodling” in public.  What’s with this?  All I see of Tom Terrific is pictures walking down Manhattan streets with flowers in his hand…walking through international airports carrying that models luggage…grinning like an idiot as she waves to the paparazzi.  What happened to the quarterbacks of old…men…men of legend with legendary names…”Slingin’ Sammy” Baugh, Roger, “the Dodger”, Staubach…Kenny, “the Snake”, Stabler…and my all time favorite “Broadway Joe” Namath.  And in New England, what do we have; Tom, “The Canoodler”, Brady!  Quarterbacks used to be men in the NFL.  Bobby Layne played half his games without a helmet for Christ’s sake.  Brady would lose his cover boy contract with Vanity Fair if he tried anything like that.  Don’t get me wrong; if Tom feels the need to be led by the nose by some  foreign model that’s his business, but Jesus Tom, next time you feel like canoodling, how ’bout closing the damn door!

Quick…Who’s the current heavyweight champion of the world?  Uh huh! OK, who’s playing center field for the USA team in the World Baseball Championship?  Left Field? 3rd base? Pitching?  What is the World Baseball Championship?  Just checking.

What has happened to Tom Brady?  If you lived anywhere in New England for the past 6 months, you couldn’t go five minutes without hearing, reading, seeing or otherwise experiencing a full sensory onslaught about number 12 and his current and his ex and his baby and etc.  But talk about your fickle press.  One lousy loss and suddenly he gets less press than Dennis Kucinich. 

Actually, I don’t consider that a bad thing.  Quite frankly, I was a getting a little tired of reading about Tom Terrific.  I think the shot of him carrying flowers to the latest member of the Patti Boyd club was the final straw.  What the hell was that all about for chrissakes!  Joe Namath had a fifth of bourbon the night before his big games.  Bobby Layne had a fifth of bourbon during his big games.  A bouquet of flowers?  No wonder the guy got sacked six times.  Talk about giving the opposing defense motivation.

So, if the sudden moratorium on all things Brady is a good thing, how can we get the presendial candidates to disappear?  If familiarity breeds comtempt, then  Hillary, Barack, John and Mike could wind up being the most disliked Americans of the 21st century.   Is CNBC really covering  live speechs by Barack or Hillary?  Hasn’t she been wearing that same yellow out-fit for a couple of months now.  I think they’re holed up somewhere in the Caribean somewhere having a good laugh.   But, I am truly non-partisan in my campaign fatigue and disgust.  If I have to watch Huckabee play the damned bass guitar one more time I’m going to gag.  It’s only February and I feel like these clowns have been running for office my whole life. 

I think what the country needs is a Super Bowl for politicians.  If the states can move the primary day up, I think the public should be allowed to move up the general election day.  Why should we have to put up with this endless posturing for another nine months.  Do we really think we’re going to hear anything new?  I propose we move the election day up to January 31.  Better yet, let’s move it to February 31st!