Wry On The Rocks

Kris Humphries has filed a suit againt his soon-to-be ex-wife Kim Kardashian for breach of contract.  Humphries’  attorney claims that his client was promised a marriage of 13 months which was then to become a spin-off series from “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”.

The suit claims that it’s impossible to base a television series on just 72 days of a marriage. 

The Kardashian producer issued a statement stating in part, “..bullshit….we’ve based shows on a lot less crap than this.”

Being raised in Florida in the pre-Ice  Age, I still don’t understand the game (?) of hockey, but in watching the news this morning on the results of the Stanley Cup, it appears that hockey fans are a truly democratic bunch.  It was impossible to tell the winning fans from the losers according to the footage from Vancouver and Boston.  Apparently nothing says “hockey fan” like chunking a garbage can through a plate glass window unless it’s setting a car on fire.

In a press interview today, Patriot coach Bill Belichick revealed that he has ordered his star quarterback Tom Brady back to the barbershop following an automobile accident early this morning.  Belichick blames Brady’s new long locks, worried that if his quarterback can’t see an 2,000 pound car from 10 feet, “how the hell is he going to spot Randy Moss coming out of the backfield.”

Belichick went on to add that if his quarterback  wants to wear “a goddamn girly boy haircut in the off season that’s his business, but during the season I want him to look like an athlete, not some damn Zoolander!  If you ask me, it ain’t natural.”

The coach abrubtly ended the interview when asked about his girlfriend’s implants.

     Tiger Woods finally staged his non-press conference today.  Leaving no stone unturned he assumed full blame for his transgressions, bad behavior, infidelities, loss of trust, the Colts Super Bowl loss and the failing economy.

     He did not, whoever, admit to any “domestic violence” in his house.  He admonished the press corps for trying to characterize his late night accident on Thanksgiving as a result of any violence on his wife’s part.  “We were simply playing our favorite Swedish game, Traffa-Vagn-Klubb“  he said. Translated as Hit-The-SUV-with-a-Club, Tiger went on to explain that the game is best played at one 0-clock in the morning in one’s nightshirt ;  the goal being to hit as many objects as possible with a moving SUV before the van itself gets hit with a club.

     Tiger went on to deny that his skill at this game involved any performance enhancing drugs, but instead was due strictly to his Buddhist Karma.

     Tiger Woods’ agent has announced that Tiger will finally come out from hiding on Friday morning in front of a limited-attendance press corps.  Some of the Tour players think that the timing of his appearance, in the middle of the Accenture World Match Play, is selfish and takes coverage away from the tournament.  When asked if Tiger couldn’t put his announcement off until Monday, his agent Mark Steinberg nixed the idea and said that, “it is important that he speak on Friday.” 

     My reasoning?  Friday at 5 PM is the deadline for announcing your intent to play a tournament the following week.  And what tournament is on the calendar for that week….The Waste Management Open!!  Perfect.