Wry On The Rocks

     Arizona  Gov. Jan Brewer signed a bill which will permit state police to stop any person who “it reasonably believes” could be an illegal immigrant.  This has set off a fire storm of protests from every corner of the Mexican community including the Mexican government.  Activist Jorge Mujica has called for a boycott of goods in Arizona by all Mexican inhabitants.  It is feared that sales of food stamps could come to  grinding halt, lottery ticket sales would collapse and free school lunch programs would dry up.

     But the worse threat comes from the top.  Joining the call for action, Mexican President Calderon has called for a complete halt of all trade with Arizona.  As a result, effective the 1st of May, Arizona residents may no longer have access to Tequila, fake Rolex watches or bull fight paintings on black velvet.

    My wife and I always enjoy a few glasses of wine with dinner and the other night had a particularly lovely 2008 fish bladder with our lamb chops.  It was slightly more expensive than usual because it was not just any fish bladder, but sturgeon bladder which has less of a hint of salt water to it.  Not everyone, of course, favors fish bladder;some of our friends, for example, prefer a hint of egg white in their Pinot Noir while others prefer the smooth taste of milk byproducts in their Merlots.  These are just a few of the items that vintners might add to their grape concoctions.

     Because of the slew of forest fires in California this past year or so, you may find more and more wine from the state higher than usual amounts of fish bladder or other “additives” to hide the smokey taste of the recent harvests.

     If the FDA ever gets around to demanding full disclosure on wine labels it will be a boon to the average consumer.  I can never remember if the ’99 is better than the ’04 or vice-versa, but I damn sure know how much fish bladder I want in my burgundy.

     Tiger Woods finally staged his non-press conference today.  Leaving no stone unturned he assumed full blame for his transgressions, bad behavior, infidelities, loss of trust, the Colts Super Bowl loss and the failing economy.

     He did not, whoever, admit to any “domestic violence” in his house.  He admonished the press corps for trying to characterize his late night accident on Thanksgiving as a result of any violence on his wife’s part.  “We were simply playing our favorite Swedish game, Traffa-Vagn-Klubb“  he said. Translated as Hit-The-SUV-with-a-Club, Tiger went on to explain that the game is best played at one 0-clock in the morning in one’s nightshirt ;  the goal being to hit as many objects as possible with a moving SUV before the van itself gets hit with a club.

     Tiger went on to deny that his skill at this game involved any performance enhancing drugs, but instead was due strictly to his Buddhist Karma.

     Thanks to Ms. Anne Marie Chaker of the Wall Street Journal, I realize that the divide between dog owners and cat owners is greater than previously thought.   I’ve long harbored the thought that cat owners are basically masochistic in nature…catering to a species that has no interest in them whatsoever.  Cats tolerate an owner only to the extent that it is provided with shelter and sustenance; and only on their terms.  Despite, this genetic flaw in some humans however, I have generally viewed cat owners without malice… simply mis-guided, but well meaning fellow humans.

     Ms. Chaker, however, has me rethinking this view.  Ms. Chaker has trained her cat to poop in the family toilet.  She has accomplished this dubious feat according to her article, by spending the better part of a year and “countless hours in the bathroom” with her cat.   Ms. Chalker cites several owners that have successfully toilet trained their cats this way,  but cautions it is not an easy process.  (Editors note:  only people who would even remotely consider spending a year in the bathroom with a cat need this cautionary note.  The rest of us got it, Ms. Chalker.)

     Further more, it turns out that after that scintillating year in the bathroom, the cat might regress.  Animal consultant Dan Estep warns that he has a number of  patients whose toilet trained cats have reverted and “started eliminating inappropriately”.   This, of course , implies that cat owners recognize something called “appropriate elimination” .  You ever heard a dog owner grading his animals “elimination”?

     So here’s the deal.  If  cat owners want to spend a year teaching some overindulged feline to appropriately eliminate in the family toilet that’s their business.  But, when they start using the public rest rooms that’s where I draw the line.

      The Obama administration has notified GE’s subsidiary, NBC,  that it is issuing a restraining order against it’s obscene bonus payments to under-performing late-night TV hosts.  The administration is particularly upset with the fact that Conan O’Brien is being paid $30 million for five months work.  That dwarfs most pay-outs to Wall Street executives by a long shot.  “Let’s face it,” said a White House source, ” the stock market was only down 30% in a whole year, while O’Brien’s ratings were down 50% in just five months!”  

     The administration official rejected O’Brien’s claim that Jay Leno was the reason for his low ratings.  “That doesn’t float,” the official is reported to have responded, “at some point we all have to take responsiblity for our own actions.  I mean how would you  like it if the President of the United States kept blaming his predecessor for his problems?”