Wry On The Rocks

     Tiger Woods finally staged his non-press conference today.  Leaving no stone unturned he assumed full blame for his transgressions, bad behavior, infidelities, loss of trust, the Colts Super Bowl loss and the failing economy.

     He did not, whoever, admit to any “domestic violence” in his house.  He admonished the press corps for trying to characterize his late night accident on Thanksgiving as a result of any violence on his wife’s part.  “We were simply playing our favorite Swedish game, Traffa-Vagn-Klubb“  he said. Translated as Hit-The-SUV-with-a-Club, Tiger went on to explain that the game is best played at one 0-clock in the morning in one’s nightshirt ;  the goal being to hit as many objects as possible with a moving SUV before the van itself gets hit with a club.

     Tiger went on to deny that his skill at this game involved any performance enhancing drugs, but instead was due strictly to his Buddhist Karma.

     Thanks to Ms. Anne Marie Chaker of the Wall Street Journal, I realize that the divide between dog owners and cat owners is greater than previously thought.   I’ve long harbored the thought that cat owners are basically masochistic in nature…catering to a species that has no interest in them whatsoever.  Cats tolerate an owner only to the extent that it is provided with shelter and sustenance; and only on their terms.  Despite, this genetic flaw in some humans however, I have generally viewed cat owners without malice… simply mis-guided, but well meaning fellow humans.

     Ms. Chaker, however, has me rethinking this view.  Ms. Chaker has trained her cat to poop in the family toilet.  She has accomplished this dubious feat according to her article, by spending the better part of a year and “countless hours in the bathroom” with her cat.   Ms. Chalker cites several owners that have successfully toilet trained their cats this way,  but cautions it is not an easy process.  (Editors note:  only people who would even remotely consider spending a year in the bathroom with a cat need this cautionary note.  The rest of us got it, Ms. Chalker.)

     Further more, it turns out that after that scintillating year in the bathroom, the cat might regress.  Animal consultant Dan Estep warns that he has a number of  patients whose toilet trained cats have reverted and “started eliminating inappropriately”.   This, of course , implies that cat owners recognize something called “appropriate elimination” .  You ever heard a dog owner grading his animals “elimination”?

     So here’s the deal.  If  cat owners want to spend a year teaching some overindulged feline to appropriately eliminate in the family toilet that’s their business.  But, when they start using the public rest rooms that’s where I draw the line.

      The Obama administration has notified GE’s subsidiary, NBC,  that it is issuing a restraining order against it’s obscene bonus payments to under-performing late-night TV hosts.  The administration is particularly upset with the fact that Conan O’Brien is being paid $30 million for five months work.  That dwarfs most pay-outs to Wall Street executives by a long shot.  “Let’s face it,” said a White House source, ” the stock market was only down 30% in a whole year, while O’Brien’s ratings were down 50% in just five months!”  

     The administration official rejected O’Brien’s claim that Jay Leno was the reason for his low ratings.  “That doesn’t float,” the official is reported to have responded, “at some point we all have to take responsiblity for our own actions.  I mean how would you  like it if the President of the United States kept blaming his predecessor for his problems?”

Apparently there are 2 types of math in America.  There’s the math they taught us in school…you know, the kind that says 2 plus 2 equals 4… the kind of math that most of us use in our daily lives.  Then there is the type of math that is used in politics.  The federal Head Start program recently announced that the $787 billion stimulus plan had saved 14,506  jobs.  A review of the details of those numbers showed that actually more than two-thirds of those saved  jobs were simply existing job employees who received raises!

Health and Human Services spokesman Luis Rosero explained the math this way…”If I give you a raise, it is going to save a portion of your job!”  He didn’t explain what portion, but Myrtis Mulkey-Ndawula, director of the federal sponsored program in Moultrie, Ga. explained it this way;  following White House guidelines, she multiplied her 508 employees by 1.84..the percentage pay raise they received…and came up with 935 jobs saved!!

Now if the Administration’s goal is to give the impression that the stimulus plan is working by counting raises as saving jobs, they are going to be down right giddy when they see the Wall Street bonus  figures!!  What is that percentage pay raise formula again?

Try rich!  R. Chad Dreir just walked away from the CEO position at Ryland Group with $27 million bucks!  Well, actually he has to wait 6 months to get the final $16.4 million of his package.  Perhaps Obama should look into some sort of low interest bridge loan for CEO’s that have to wait to get their full package.  I mean somehow R. Chad Dreir has to exist on only $8 million for the next 6 months.  I can feel his pain although personally, I have never trusted a man who won’t tell me his first name! (Is it just coincidence that he shares his first initial with R. Allen Stanford…what are these guys hiding?)

Of course, old R. defends his pay package as ”fair and square” based on his performance.  Let’s see now..Ryland stock is down 52% in the last 12 months, return on equity is down 43% and the insiders haven’t been able to sell the stock fast enough!  Imagine what R. would have received if his performance had been good!!

Fair and square?  Sorry R., but you’re shitting me!