Wry On The Rocks

     Tiger Woods finally staged his non-press conference today.  Leaving no stone unturned he assumed full blame for his transgressions, bad behavior, infidelities, loss of trust, the Colts Super Bowl loss and the failing economy.

     He did not, whoever, admit to any “domestic violence” in his house.  He admonished the press corps for trying to characterize his late night accident on Thanksgiving as a result of any violence on his wife’s part.  “We were simply playing our favorite Swedish game, Traffa-Vagn-Klubb“  he said. Translated as Hit-The-SUV-with-a-Club, Tiger went on to explain that the game is best played at one 0-clock in the morning in one’s nightshirt ;  the goal being to hit as many objects as possible with a moving SUV before the van itself gets hit with a club.

     Tiger went on to deny that his skill at this game involved any performance enhancing drugs, but instead was due strictly to his Buddhist Karma.

     Tiger Woods’ agent has announced that Tiger will finally come out from hiding on Friday morning in front of a limited-attendance press corps.  Some of the Tour players think that the timing of his appearance, in the middle of the Accenture World Match Play, is selfish and takes coverage away from the tournament.  When asked if Tiger couldn’t put his announcement off until Monday, his agent Mark Steinberg nixed the idea and said that, “it is important that he speak on Friday.” 

     My reasoning?  Friday at 5 PM is the deadline for announcing your intent to play a tournament the following week.  And what tournament is on the calendar for that week….The Waste Management Open!!  Perfect.

Swiss watch maker TAG Heuer has just agreed to continue to feature Tiger Woods in it’s print ads for an annual fee of $12 million to be paid in monthly installments. 

Tiger is expected to make the first  payment to TAG Heuer on Jan. 1st.  The watch maker said that it agreed to the low rate they are charging Tiger because of “our long relationship with world’s best golfer.” 

Woods is reported to be offering as much as $30 million a year to any new corporate sponsor that is willing to feature him as a spokesperson.  As an added bonus, he is willing to agree to a morals clause that would prohibit sex with anyone whose job involves nightclubs, restaurants, churches, schools, entertainment, airlines, taxi cabs, limosines, party planning, the Playboy mansion or farms.

Nevada  farmer Noah Krautt denied rumors that he was paid to keep quiet about an alleged week-end that Tiger Woods spent with his sheep.  “Ain’t never seen nor talked to the man”, claimed farmer Krautt when interviewed in his new Escalade with the custom surround sound system and cobalt rims.  “‘Sides”, he continued, “my sheep don’t mess around.  They’re like my family…sure a couple of ‘em liked to be spanked once in a while, but that don’t mean nuthin.  I mean listen,”  farmer Krautt continued after checking the time on his new TAG HuerSLR Calibre S Laptimer with the gold band and diamond bezel, “if you was the most famous athlete in the world, you gonna come out here in the middle of nowhere where there hardly ain’t no way to get here, ‘cept maybe that new airstrip behind the barn, just to be with a sheep…or two?

Farmer Krautt ended the interview by offering the reporters several cases of Gatorade.  “We don’t drink that shit no more!”, he said as he reached for his AT&T cell phone.

With the number of women claiming to have had extra-marital sex with Tiger Woods now at eleven,  the allegations of sexual activity by Tiger  continue to pile up.  Allegations are also becoming more specific such as one former lover revealing that Tiger preferred his sex “rough” and particularly liked to pull her hair and spank her.   Most recently a Madam now claims that Tiger was partial to threesomes and would drop as much as $15,000 a week-end to engage in the pastime.

Despite all the damaging press, a spokesman for Nike claims that the company is still standing by Tiger.  “We view with great scepticism the allegations that are being leveled at Tiger from a group of obvious money seeking Bimbos and have no intention of dropping our association”, he was quoted regarding the latest claims.  “However”, he went on, “if we hear from one damn sheep all bets are off!”