Wry On The Rocks

     Tiger Woods’ agent has announced that Tiger will finally come out from hiding on Friday morning in front of a limited-attendance press corps.  Some of the Tour players think that the timing of his appearance, in the middle of the Accenture World Match Play, is selfish and takes coverage away from the tournament.  When asked if Tiger couldn’t put his announcement off until Monday, his agent Mark Steinberg nixed the idea and said that, “it is important that he speak on Friday.” 

     My reasoning?  Friday at 5 PM is the deadline for announcing your intent to play a tournament the following week.  And what tournament is on the calendar for that week….The Waste Management Open!!  Perfect.

    Michele Obama lashed out at George Bush today in announcing her mission to solve the obesity problem among young people.  The First Lady pointed out that one-third of young Americans today are over-weight and under nourished; a problem caused, she explained, by former President Bush.  “It’s no secret,” she said, “that Mr. Bush had a weakness for M&M’s.  In fact, when he left the White House, he presented each of the press corps with a gift-wrapped box of M&M’s embroidered with the Presidential seal.  What kind of message was that to send to the youth of America?”

    Mrs. Obama discussed her goal of trying to un-do the 8-years of damage to nutritional values caused by the previous administration.  “What we need to do is get kids to eat more fruits, for example,”  she explained, “maybe the way we do it at State dinners..fruits dipped in chocolate.  We find it the perfect companion to the pumpkin pie tart, whipped cream & caramel sauce, petits fores and pecan pralines that ends our meals.”

     If that doesn’t work, she suggested that  they could eat cake.

     President Obama will be in Tampa today to announce a 1.24 billion dollar plan to build a high speed train service from there to Orlando.  According to Google,  it is 91 miles from Tampa to Orlando and takes 1 hour and 29 minutes by car. Heck, It takes that long just to get across Tampa in rush hour for crissakes, but you don’t see him building a bullet train for that.  So, here’s my question….just how fast do the people in Tampa need to get to Disney World?

    Is he concerned that someone living in Tampa  may have to commute to Disney World for their job?  I have an idea Mr. President; give them money to buy another house.  You can buy any house in Florida right now for $42.  I figure you can relocate the entire population of Tampa to Orlando for about 65-grand.  Throw in another 3-grand for shuffleboard courts and half the people won’t even notice the difference.

    Unfortunately, the President’s plans don’t stop there.  He envisions a further expense by expanding the high speed service from Orlando to Miami.  One problem with that plan.  No one from Orlando goes to Miami.  New Yorkers go to Miami.  New Jerseyites go to Miami.  Germans, Russians, Brazilians, Bolivians, Equadorians, and Sean Penn go to Miami.  Orlando folk do not go to Miami.

    So ditch that one too Mr. President and take the money saved and spend it where rapid transit is really needed.  Us folks up north don’t need a bullet train to get to Disney World…just a way to get through D.C. on route 95 in less than a day and a half.  That’s change that Mickey would cheer and could help you recapture Massachusetts!

     Leave it to the Brits to come up with the euphemism of the month.  The Holiday Inn chain in England has announced a new service in three of their hotels in London and Manchester.  At no extra charge, the chain is offering a “human bed warmer” who will spend 5 minutes in your bed to bring it to the optimal sleeping temperature of 72 degrees.  Spokeswoman Jane Bednall explains that it is “like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed!”  Of course it is.  Exactly which “humans” will be doing the warming has not been decided, but in a preliminary company survey, 98% of male business travelers said that given a choice, like AC/DC sang… they “want a woman in red at the bottom of their bed!” 

    This may be just the shot in the arm  the travel industry needs.  Tiger Woods has already booked a suite for the month of April….”I swear Elin, she is just a “bed warmer.”

Curt Schiller responded to Martha Coakley claiming that he was a Yankee fan in his tweet today that read…”what does she know…she throws like a girl!”

Martha in the meantime e-mailed Tom Brady today and wished him all the best against the Colts next week-end.