Now why should we trust anything said by a man that can’t even spell his own name.

      Understand that I like to watch women’s events as much as the next guy;  swimming… beach volleyball… the Sports Illustrated cover competition…but, with hockey how did I know that those were really women under all that stuff ?  Well, now I know.  Let’s face it…nothing says woman like a good cigar and a beer.  I think I’ve just become a fan.

     First, the ignorance; hockey.  Growing up in Florida in the pre-ice age, I always assumed the word hockey had something to do with phlegm.  To this day, I don’t understand rules;  like icing.  Is it an illegal physical property or is it something that a player does…as in, oh,oh Pierre just iced?  And then there’s the contradictory nature of the rules.  You’re allowed to have a player called the “Enforcer ” on the ice, but are penalized for a “third-man-in”?

     Then there’s the awe;  skeleton racing …. watching  men and women lying face down on little “skeletons”  going 90 miles an hour down an ice chute.  I suspect that when growing up these people were not allowed to play with other kids in the neighborhood. 

     Then there’s the apathy; curling.  How did shuffleboard on ice become an Olympic sport?  Are there that many people interested in watching a sport that features two men with brooms?  The Zamboni machine offers more drama which is why curling received such low ratings.  I think next time they should allow each team an Enforcer.  That I would watch.

     He did not, whoever, admit to any “domestic violence” in his house.  He admonished the press corps for trying to characterize his late night accident on Thanksgiving as a result of any violence on his wife’s part.  “We were simply playing our favorite Swedish game, Traffa-Vagn-Klubb“  he said. Translated as Hit-The-SUV-with-a-Club, Tiger went on to explain that the game is best played at one 0-clock in the morning in one’s nightshirt ;  the goal being to hit as many objects as possible with a moving SUV before the van itself gets hit with a club.

     Tiger went on to deny that his skill at this game involved any performance enhancing drugs, but instead was due strictly to his Buddhist Karma.

     Thanks to Ms. Anne Marie Chaker of the Wall Street Journal, I realize that the divide between dog owners and cat owners is greater than previously thought.   I’ve long harbored the thought that cat owners are basically masochistic in nature…catering to a species that has no interest in them whatsoever.  Cats tolerate an owner only to the extent that it is provided with shelter and sustenance; and only on their terms.  Despite, this genetic flaw in some humans however, I have generally viewed cat owners without malice… simply mis-guided, but well meaning fellow humans.

     Ms. Chaker, however, has me rethinking this view.  Ms. Chaker has trained her cat to poop in the family toilet.  She has accomplished this dubious feat according to her article, by spending the better part of a year and “countless hours in the bathroom” with her cat.   Ms. Chalker cites several owners that have successfully toilet trained their cats this way,  but cautions it is not an easy process.  (Editors note:  only people who would even remotely consider spending a year in the bathroom with a cat need this cautionary note.  The rest of us got it, Ms. Chalker.)

     Further more, it turns out that after that scintillating year in the bathroom, the cat might regress.  Animal consultant Dan Estep warns that he has a number of  patients whose toilet trained cats have reverted and “started eliminating inappropriately”.   This, of course , implies that cat owners recognize something called “appropriate elimination” .  You ever heard a dog owner grading his animals “elimination”?

     So here’s the deal.  If  cat owners want to spend a year teaching some overindulged feline to appropriately eliminate in the family toilet that’s their business.  But, when they start using the public rest rooms that’s where I draw the line.

     My reasoning?  Friday at 5 PM is the deadline for announcing your intent to play a tournament the following week.  And what tournament is on the calendar for that week….The Waste Management Open!!  Perfect.

    Mrs. Obama discussed her goal of trying to un-do the 8-years of damage to nutritional values caused by the previous administration.  “What we need to do is get kids to eat more fruits, for example,”  she explained, “maybe the way we do it at State dinners..fruits dipped in chocolate.  We find it the perfect companion to the pumpkin pie tart, whipped cream & caramel sauce, petits fores and pecan pralines that ends our meals.”

     If that doesn’t work, she suggested that  they could eat cake.

    Is he concerned that someone living in Tampa  may have to commute to Disney World for their job?  I have an idea Mr. President; give them money to buy another house.  You can buy any house in Florida right now for $42.  I figure you can relocate the entire population of Tampa to Orlando for about 65-grand.  Throw in another 3-grand for shuffleboard courts and half the people won’t even notice the difference.

    Unfortunately, the President’s plans don’t stop there.  He envisions a further expense by expanding the high speed service from Orlando to Miami.  One problem with that plan.  No one from Orlando goes to Miami.  New Yorkers go to Miami.  New Jerseyites go to Miami.  Germans, Russians, Brazilians, Bolivians, Equadorians, and Sean Penn go to Miami.  Orlando folk do not go to Miami.

    So ditch that one too Mr. President and take the money saved and spend it where rapid transit is really needed.  Us folks up north don’t need a bullet train to get to Disney World…just a way to get through D.C. on route 95 in less than a day and a half.  That’s change that Mickey would cheer and could help you recapture Massachusetts!

    This may be just the shot in the arm  the travel industry needs.  Tiger Woods has already booked a suite for the month of April….”I swear Elin, she is just a “bed warmer.”

Martha in the meantime e-mailed Tom Brady today and wished him all the best against the Colts next week-end.