Wry On The Rocks

The National Rifle Association brokered a last minute deal that settled the NBA player/management negotiations.  In a 11th-hour compromise, management agreed to “look the other way” for any player  carrying concealed weapons into strip clubs, dance clubs, high school reunions or divorce proceedings in return for  players agreeing not to carry anything larger than an AK-47 within 100 yards of their home arena.

Other concessions included management agreeing to paying the full cost of a players first 40 tattoos  and half the cost of diamond ear studs and/or gold teeth implants, not to exceed two front and one incisor. 

 Both sides agreed to limit the hang time on a rim to 30 seconds and the length of this years game shorts to 14 inches below the knee.

The FBI has just arrested seven members of a renegade Amish sect for attacking other Amish male members.  The religious differences between the two groups has led to multiple assaults by the renegade group who shave the beards of their victims and then cut their hair; a humilation in the Amish religion. 

The leader of the hair-cutting group has been identified as Sam Mullet.

WROR, Boston Radio, has gone over to the dark side.  It’s not even Thankgiving yet, but they started playing Christmas music this morning!  Trust me when I say that you don’t want to wake up with a hangover to the sounds of Alvin and The Chipmunks.  I never realized that the song goes on for about 3 and a half hours.

Then there’s Gene Autry and Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  Only everybodys favorite cowboy zillionaire pronounces it San_TEE Claus!  I wanted to scream, “it’s San-TAH Claus you fake cowpoke”, but the knife in my head wouldn’t allow it.  Then there’s the back-up band to Autry’s recording…have you heard it?  It sounds like a kindergarten composition only they’re playing instruments that don’t even exist anymore!!

So, no thanks Loren and Wally, I think I’ll tune out until January…unless of course you’re planning on playing Here Comes Peter Cottontail starting on New Years.

The number one question on all lawyers’ minds these days??….where in the hell does Gloria Allred find these people?  One of the leading trial attorneys in the nation gave her credit…”I’ve got to admit, when it comes to dumpster-diving for clients, she’s the queen.” 

Allred’s latest “client”, Sharon Bialek, claimed in a press conference to have been groped by presidential candidate Herman Cain 13 years ago following a luncheon meeting.  While she didn’t file a complaint at that time, she claims she did tell her then boyfriend and another person.   Ms. Allred then waved a sheaf of papers in the air which she claimed were sworn affidavits of those persons, but refused to disclose their names.  “A little trick I picked up from Joe McCarthy back in the day”, she later admitted with a smile.  “I always carry extra papers ’cause you never know who you’re going to run into in welfare offices, rehab clinics or dumpsters.”

Despite being an unemployed single mother with 2 past bankrupcy filings and past due tax liens, Ms. Bialek claims she came forward not for the money, but because her 13-year-old son urged her “to do the right thing.” 

It just makes me proud to be an American.

Kris Humphries has filed a suit againt his soon-to-be ex-wife Kim Kardashian for breach of contract.  Humphries’  attorney claims that his client was promised a marriage of 13 months which was then to become a spin-off series from “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”.

The suit claims that it’s impossible to base a television series on just 72 days of a marriage. 

The Kardashian producer issued a statement stating in part, “..bullshit….we’ve based shows on a lot less crap than this.”