Wry On The Rocks

Massachusetts state Treasurer Steve Grossman today announced that the $45,000 donation he received from the package store and tavern owners won’t affect his decisions one iota when it comes to policies set by the Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission that he oversees.

The National Coalition of Lobbyists has immediately demanded refunds on the 18.8 trillion dollars they have donated to various State and Federal officials over the years.  “What the hell good has it done us”, griped Fred Asperger, President of the Coalition, “it’s like pouring money down a toilet.”  He then departed without any further comment on a GE private jet on his way to a free week-end stay at Foxwoods.

Higher education researchers have once again ventured into unknown territory to answer questions that have puzzled mankind for thousands of years…or at least since the advent of co-ed dorms.  In studying the cause and intensity of saliva in male subjects, researchers at Northwestern University primed men to think about going on a date with an attractive woman.  They then discovered that men salivated more when shown pictures of sports cars than when shown pictures of fastening tools.

It has not been reported, how many Northwestern alumni are re-thinking their pledges this year.

Merav Opher, astophysicist at Boston University, has been tracking the Voyager 2 space craft lately with growing excitement.  The exploratory craft was launched by the US over 34 years ago and is on the verge of breaking out of our Solar System; the first man made object to do so.

While the exact time when the Voyager will accomplish that feat is not known, Opher is optimistic that it is very close to that goal.  To celebrate the news, the astrophysicist released the first photographs relayed back to earth from the crafts present postion, 11 billion miles away.

All of New England was thrilled to see  photos of the Stanley Cup outside a Starbucks.

For those of you too busy watching the stock market crash, you may have missed the news about another crash about to take place on the 23rd….NASA’s  7-ton UAR satellite.  Scheduled for an “uncontrolled” landing sometime that afternoon, NASA wants to assure everyone that there is no danger of any damage.  They have no idea where it, or parts of it, are going to land, but they’re sure it won’t be on you. 

To further allay any fears we might have, they have calculated the odds of the space junk (also love that phrasing….this is the stuff we spent 10 zillion dollars sending up there) hitting anyone.  For example, NASA estimates that the odds of someone getting hit is 1 in 3,200.  If they think those are long odds, they obviously don’t play the State lotteries. 

 Not reassured by those numbers,  I did some research on my own.  Since demographic scarcity is the basis for calculating the “hit” possibility…I figure;

The odds for anyone who thinks that Two and a Half Men doesn’t need a laugh track at 2-million to 1;

The odds for guys who actually remember their wedding anniversary ..4-million to 1;

The odds for anyone thinking that Bill O’Reilly is really looking out for them…5-million to 1;

The odds for anyone still happy they voted for Obama…9-million to 1;

The odds for any guy who wishes he had met Nancy Pelosi first…now we’ve moved from science to science fiction, but if this applies to you, you’ve got much bigger problems than being clobbered by space junk!

And finally, the odds of anyone, anywhere who can rationally explain the Kardashians …9-trillion to one.

President Obama released a statement today upon hearing that the stock market was down in triple digits following his speech last evening.  “I was just kidding,” the chief executive wrote, “I didn’t really mean all that shit I said last night, you know about building bridges and stuff with 427 Billion dollars…hell nobody wants to build any damn bridges, so I’m just gonna write all those unemployed a check for $10,000.”

He went on to state that, “realizing now that we need something different, something that will resonate with the  public, something we can all agree is in the best interests of America to  get this economy moving again,  I have decided to keep my mouth shut for the next 12 months!”