Wry On The Rocks

I was cleaning out some old files last evening and ran across some jokes(?) that I submitted to Johnny Carson’s staff back in my NY days for his Carnac the Great routine…show your age and remember…Ed would announce the answer and Carnac would guess the question. Ready for 20-year-old corny…

A. Mistletoe
Q. Name an astronaut foot problem?
(rimshot)

A. At the bottom
Q. Where is the Atlantic the deepest?

A. A pair of slippers.
Q. What can you make by putting together two banana peels?

and finally…
A. Her baby is a little Bigger
Q. Who is bigger – Mrs. Bigger or her baby?

(rimshot and hook!)

Hey, I was 23

In a televised press conference today, President Obama blamed the S&P downgrade on earthquakes and said that the solution to our problem was quite simple. … ”What we need in DC is a change in ideology.” 

To that end, the President announced that he had just called Speaker Boehner and offered to run for President as a Republican.  No comment yet from the Speaker, but Tim Pawlenty immediately claimed to have the most experience in dealing with earthquakes.

Tiger Woods returned to PGA action this week-end with an appearance at the Bridgestone at Firestone (is that a little redundant?)
Following his 3rd round which left him 10 shots back, he proclaimed that he was “hitting some really good shots!”
Perhaps he should be reminded of Bert Gordon’s admonition to Fast Eddie Felson; This ain’t football Tiger…you get no points for yardage gained.
No comments were forthcoming from him after finishing 37th behind such PGA luminaries as Simon Dyson, Hennie Otto and Robert Karlson.

You think Steve Williams went to bed one happy caddie???

Timothy Geithner, who just this past April assured us that there was “absolutely no risk, zero, that the Country would lose it’s AAA rating from Standard & Poor”, has announced he will remain as Treasury head until 2012.

His decision to remain on the job was aided by pressure from President Obama who assured America two years ago that the unemployment rate would not exceed 8%. 

Early indications were for a dive in Monday’s stock market as a result of the news.  In a joint annoucement, the President and Secretary Geithner struck an optimistic note by stating  emphatically that the stock market was simply a Tea Party tool and the market would recover by Tuesday.  They also predicted that Harry Reid and John Boehner would lead a Congressional group hug, Bill O’Reilly would take full responsibilty for the failed economy and the  Houston Astro would win the world series.

Harry Reid declared the newly approved debt limit vote by both Houses as a win for the “American Public”. As Mr. Reid doesn’t have to worry about social security cuts (he doesn’t pay into the program), Medicare or Medicaid cuts (we pay all of his medical bills) payroll cuts (he gets to vote his pay increases) or any of the other daily problems most of us have to cope with, he apparently considers the “American Public” to consist of the House and the Senate.
Oh, and about 20 million illegal immigrants simirlarly exempt from petty problems like taxes, health care cost, etc. etc.
Tough work Harry. Now take a month off.