President Obama revealed his secret to relaxation to reporters from his vacation house on Martha’s Vinyard today.
“The best thing about these 10 days”, he confided, “is knowing my Vice-President is in Outer Mongolia.”
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that he is tearing down his current 2-bedroom house in La Jolla, California and building an 11,000 square foot mansion. Since the current 2-bedroom has an estimated value of $12 million dollars, many critics are raising their eyebrows at such a show of wealth in these hard times.
The cost of such an undertaking raised the obvious question by the media of what exactly was Mitt’s net worth. A spokesperson said that Mitt estimated it somewhere “between $190 million and $250 million.”
Now, personally I have no problem with Mitt building a MacMansion on the Pacific shores. Hell, it’s his money, let the guy build a 40,000 SF house if he wants. What I do have a problem with is the fact that he can’t figure out how much he’s worth. I certainly don’t expect him to know to the penny or even the closest 100 thousand. Or maybe a million or two. But he’s not even close! Somewhere between $190 million and $250 million??? That’s a bleeping $60 million dollar spread!! This is a guy who claims to be a business man?? Going to cure our debt problem?? What Mitt…you going to bring it down to somewhere between $5 trillion and $24 trillion?? Give or take??
I love you Mitt, but maybe you better call me when you get a better handle on your finances. The Federal buget could be just a tad more challenging.
I just received a call from the head of the Boston Firefighters Union this morning offering me a job with the Department. Apparently he heard about my accident earlier this summer when I broke 5 ribs falling down some stairs at home. With no witnesses.
“You’re a natural for our Department,” he claimed and brushed off my objections that I had no experience fighting fires nor had I ever been in a body building contest. “On top of that” I explained, “I’m allergic to Dalmatians.
“Perfect”, he responded, “your first pension check is in the mail!”
Former firefighter and bodybuilder Albert Arrioyo defended by Timothy Watkins, was acquitted of fraud charges by a federal jury. Despite the fact that he claimed he fell down stairs (in an empty facility with no witnesses) suffering major back injuries preventing him from any work , he was filmed lifting weights, working out and participating in body building contests. Refusing a desk job back at the Boston Fire Department (he claimed it hurt to sit), Arroyo successfully applied for a tax-free annual pension of $65,000!
Attorney Watkins credited his closing statement to the jury as the deciding factor in his victory…”His back may not be so hot,” he argued, “but you gotta admit he’s got some kind of balls!”
I was referred to a new doctor this week regarding some continued issues steming from my accident in June. According to his framed diploma on the waiting room wall, my new doc is a graduate of Georgetown University Medical School.
As usual as a new patient, I was asked to complete several standard forms, the first of which wanted the standard info, name, address, etc.
The fourth blank space asked for the date of my birth which I dutifully filled in. This was immediately followed by a blank space asking for my age. That’s when I stood up to take another look at his diploma.
I had to ask myself how much I trust a doctor who can’t figure out my age when I give him my birth date.
I mean if he tells me to take 2 pills three times a day, does he really mean three pills twice a day…or one pill twice a week or…
I think when I get his bill, I’ll just pretend I didn’t notice the last two zeros!