Apparently Congressman Joe Sestak is back in good graces at the White House as Robert Gibbs incorporated the Representative’s favorite phrase into his WH jargon.
When asked if some Gulf residents weren’t over-reacting to Tony Hayward’s sailing vacation, Gibbs answered with, “Make no mistake, at the end of the day, this is a big fucking deal!!”
Just when I thought that Tuula Paajanen came up with the most obvious “duh” statement of the year, here comes Melanie Dove of the Harvard School of Public Health. Ms. Dove was the lead author in their study of the effects of cigarette smoke on young children.
After an arduous study of over 11,000 children in the US, Ms. Dove’s report concluded that children who live in non-smoking homes are much less likely to experience second-hand smoke than those children in homes where parents smoked.
At what point, I have to ask, did the researchers realize that this might not be quite as useful information as they had hoped. Did they think maybe another 11,000 children might lead to a different conclusion??
If I seem a little cranky this morning it is due to a new European scientific report that purports that short people are more prone to heart problems than tall people. In fact, the study claims that short people have a 50% higher risk of heart problems or dying of one (which certainly could be considered a “problem”) than tall people.
At 5′7″ in height, I have never considered myself short, and the authors of this study agree; they define “short” as anyone under 5′ 3″ and “tall” as anyone over 5′ 9″ . However, I have great empathy for short people ever since Randy Newman dissed them some years ago. (Don’t you love guys with speech impediments who make fun of other people!) But, my empathy aside, here is one of my problems with the study…what about us guys in-between?? The 5-foot 7-inch guys?? Or the 5-foot 4-inch, 5-foot 8- inch…etc.?? What are our odds?? They absolutely disregard the concerns of 50% of the world’s population?? (I just made up that number, but prove me wrong!) Or…what if you’re 5-foot, 3-and a half-inches tall?
Here’s another problem I have with the study…the lead author was Tuula Paajanen from Tumpere University. First, I make it a habit never to trust anyone with successive vowels in both their first and last name and, second, who the hell has ever heard of Tumpere University? My, shall I say skepicism, in her study was summed up in her attempt at consoling short people. ”Height is only one factor”, she wrote, noting that other factors like smoking and excercising and diet may come into play and suggested that short people concentrate on those issues since, “those are easier to change than your height!” Gee, Doc, do you think??
It is studies like this that make me more than ever convinced that when I’m King, I’m only going to allow scientific reports that seek to solve important issues. So, please feel free to e-mail me at john@wryontherrocks.com if you have an issue you feel worthy of government funding. Here are some issues that have been bothering me:
(This guy just realized he’s 4 foot 11)
President Obama has declared no more Mr. Nice Guy. First, he was simply going to put his boot on BP’s throat, but now he’s getting serious. He is threating to kick some ass. He’s just not sure yet whose ass he’s going to kick, but it’s going to be someones. Talk about over-compensating. I figure any minute now, Press Secretary Gibbs is going to release a picture of Obama with a bandanna around his head, wearing steel toed boots and toting an AK-47.
I guess now we’re going to have to listen to President Rambo regale us with stories of how his daughter comes into his bath room every morning asking, “whose ass did you kick today, Daddy?”
President Obama this morning angerly warned BP that it better not pay out millions of dollars in stock dividends to the shareholders while it was “nickel and diming” the residents and business interests in the Gulf area.
When it was pointed out to the President that millions of people including retirees and pension funds depend on the dividend income to help pay for living expenses he immediately assailed BP for considering a dividend cut . ”My daughter interrupted a cabinet meeting this afternoon,” the President explained, “and asked, ‘Daddy have you paid the dividend been paid yet’?'” He promised her he would not let BP ”nickel and dime” the American shareholder as he outlined a six-billion dollar stimulus plan for all BP shareholders.