Wry On The Rocks

    The next time you need to buy a computer should you  believe the claims of Steve Jobs or Bill Gates regarding their product?  Or should you believe the Oracle of Omaha prognostications regarding investments? 

     Kang Lee, director the Institute of Child Study at University of Toronto, has released a study that tracked children who lie versus those youngsters who tell the truth.  The study makes the claim that children who lie as early as age two have faster developing brains than their peers; they are merely exhibiting their mental acuity.  This, according to Mr. Lee , will lead to greater intellectual achievements.  Thus, Mr. Lee goes on to exclaim,  parents should not be concerned if their little darling tells a fib. 

     So remember, the next time you hear someone protest that your toddler is a little lying bastard, simply take it as the ultimate compliment and start pricing vacation condos.

     Last evening, the Boston Pops premiered a tribute to the Kennedy legacy entitled “The Dream Lives On: A Portrait of the Kennedy Brothers.”  The musical piece, written by Peter Boyer with lyrics by Lynn Ahrens, includes quotes from various speeches by the three brothers and was spoken from the stage by actors Robert De Niro, Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman.

     The high profile audience at Symphony Hall included Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, Senate President Therese Muray, UMass president Jack Wilson and JFK Library Foundation CEO David McKean.

     While members of the Kennedy family were expected to attend the evenings festivities, several were noticeably absent.  Joe Kennedy was busy pumping gas in Everett, Mrs. Robert Kennedy Jr. was apparently unable to raise bail, and Patrick Kennedy was arrested for driving his car up the Museum of Fine Arts steps at 3 in the morning.  He claimed he was there to see the Kennedy brothers portrait.

Best sub-headline of the Boston Globe this week…”Obama’s aunt is granted asylum…critics contend politics played role in decision!”   Do you think??

Neither the President or his spokesperson had any comment on the decision in favor of his aunt, Zeituni Onyango, who has been living illegally in the US since 2000.

     Boston Mayor Thomas “Mumbles” Menino has wasted no time in reacting to Arizona’s new draconian policy toward illegal immigrants.  Recognizing that illegals may not be able to trek their way through the former Arizona gateway to Boston, the Mayor with the backing of the Boston City Council, has announced a 25-million-dollar plan to fly illegal immigrants directly from Juarez, Mexico to Boston’s Logan airport.

     “To treat illegal immigrants as criminals is abhorrent”, the Mayor claimed in his announcement.  When asked if the very word illegal wasn’t defined as not legal, i.e. criminal, the Mayor responded that he didn’t need any smart-ass college type reporter parsing his words. The Mayor spoke for a few more minutes, but the best anyone could make out was, “mmhwha musha bublleme… ” or something like it.

    The Mayor did admit later he had no idea what parsing meant.  Or abhorrent.

     The most annoying television commercial of the week has to be courtesy of National Floors Direct.  The female spokesperson was fairly appealing….the first 2,000 times I saw the ad.  Then she started to wear on me.  Now she drives me out of the room!  She actually makes me  miss Billy Mays. 

     But here’s what really gets me about the commercial….their claim to “next day installation.”  Now this is the same claim made by a competitor, Empire Today.  While Empire couldn’t afford a real live spokesperson, relying instead on a little cartoon spokesperson and an annoying jingle, they too offer ”next day installation.”

     Now, here’s my question.  Just how many unemployed hardwood floor and rug installers are there in the country?  I mean these are national companies and they’re promising anyone in America, “next day installation”?  What do they have, a busload of immigrants waiting in back of every Wal-Mart across the country just waiting to nail down some boards in your home?  When was the last time you needed some work done in your house and your contractor said, “oh yeah I can come tomorrow.  I mean what the hell, I’m not doing anything else this month!”

     Billy Mays may have offered a money back guarantee on a product with an average three-day life span, but even he knew better than to promise “next day installation.”