Wry On The Rocks

     I just found out that I missed one of the highlights of the Winter Olympics…the Canadian women’s hockey team drinking beer and smoking cigars.  Now, the reason I missed it was I wasn’t watching the game.  There are many activities of which I either have no interest or have relegated to my “bucket list”…I thought I might watch women’s hockey before I die, but wasn’t in any hurry.

      Understand that I like to watch women’s events as much as the next guy;  swimming… beach volleyball… the Sports Illustrated cover competition…but, with hockey how did I know that those were really women under all that stuff ?  Well, now I know.  Let’s face it…nothing says woman like a good cigar and a beer.  I think I’ve just become a fan.

     As a transplanted Floridian, my enjoyment of  the Winter Olympics has been tempered by a mixture of ignorance, awe and, at times, downright apathy.

     First, the ignorance; hockey.  Growing up in Florida in the pre-ice age, I always assumed the word hockey had something to do with phlegm.  To this day, I don’t understand rules;  like icing.  Is it an illegal physical property or is it something that a player does…as in, oh,oh Pierre just iced?  And then there’s the contradictory nature of the rules.  You’re allowed to have a player called the “Enforcer ” on the ice, but are penalized for a “third-man-in”?

     Then there’s the awe;  skeleton racing …. watching  men and women lying face down on little “skeletons”  going 90 miles an hour down an ice chute.  I suspect that when growing up these people were not allowed to play with other kids in the neighborhood. 

     Then there’s the apathy; curling.  How did shuffleboard on ice become an Olympic sport?  Are there that many people interested in watching a sport that features two men with brooms?  The Zamboni machine offers more drama which is why curling received such low ratings.  I think next time they should allow each team an Enforcer.  That I would watch.

     Tiger Woods finally staged his non-press conference today.  Leaving no stone unturned he assumed full blame for his transgressions, bad behavior, infidelities, loss of trust, the Colts Super Bowl loss and the failing economy.

     He did not, whoever, admit to any “domestic violence” in his house.  He admonished the press corps for trying to characterize his late night accident on Thanksgiving as a result of any violence on his wife’s part.  “We were simply playing our favorite Swedish game, Traffa-Vagn-Klubb“  he said. Translated as Hit-The-SUV-with-a-Club, Tiger went on to explain that the game is best played at one 0-clock in the morning in one’s nightshirt ;  the goal being to hit as many objects as possible with a moving SUV before the van itself gets hit with a club.

     Tiger went on to deny that his skill at this game involved any performance enhancing drugs, but instead was due strictly to his Buddhist Karma.

     Thanks to Ms. Anne Marie Chaker of the Wall Street Journal, I realize that the divide between dog owners and cat owners is greater than previously thought.   I’ve long harbored the thought that cat owners are basically masochistic in nature…catering to a species that has no interest in them whatsoever.  Cats tolerate an owner only to the extent that it is provided with shelter and sustenance; and only on their terms.  Despite, this genetic flaw in some humans however, I have generally viewed cat owners without malice… simply mis-guided, but well meaning fellow humans.

     Ms. Chaker, however, has me rethinking this view.  Ms. Chaker has trained her cat to poop in the family toilet.  She has accomplished this dubious feat according to her article, by spending the better part of a year and “countless hours in the bathroom” with her cat.   Ms. Chalker cites several owners that have successfully toilet trained their cats this way,  but cautions it is not an easy process.  (Editors note:  only people who would even remotely consider spending a year in the bathroom with a cat need this cautionary note.  The rest of us got it, Ms. Chalker.)

     Further more, it turns out that after that scintillating year in the bathroom, the cat might regress.  Animal consultant Dan Estep warns that he has a number of  patients whose toilet trained cats have reverted and “started eliminating inappropriately”.   This, of course , implies that cat owners recognize something called “appropriate elimination” .  You ever heard a dog owner grading his animals “elimination”?

     So here’s the deal.  If  cat owners want to spend a year teaching some overindulged feline to appropriately eliminate in the family toilet that’s their business.  But, when they start using the public rest rooms that’s where I draw the line.

     Tiger Woods’ agent has announced that Tiger will finally come out from hiding on Friday morning in front of a limited-attendance press corps.  Some of the Tour players think that the timing of his appearance, in the middle of the Accenture World Match Play, is selfish and takes coverage away from the tournament.  When asked if Tiger couldn’t put his announcement off until Monday, his agent Mark Steinberg nixed the idea and said that, “it is important that he speak on Friday.” 

     My reasoning?  Friday at 5 PM is the deadline for announcing your intent to play a tournament the following week.  And what tournament is on the calendar for that week….The Waste Management Open!!  Perfect.