Wry On The Rocks

     President Obama will be in Tampa today to announce a 1.24 billion dollar plan to build a high speed train service from there to Orlando.  According to Google,  it is 91 miles from Tampa to Orlando and takes 1 hour and 29 minutes by car. Heck, It takes that long just to get across Tampa in rush hour for crissakes, but you don’t see him building a bullet train for that.  So, here’s my question….just how fast do the people in Tampa need to get to Disney World?

    Is he concerned that someone living in Tampa  may have to commute to Disney World for their job?  I have an idea Mr. President; give them money to buy another house.  You can buy any house in Florida right now for $42.  I figure you can relocate the entire population of Tampa to Orlando for about 65-grand.  Throw in another 3-grand for shuffleboard courts and half the people won’t even notice the difference.

    Unfortunately, the President’s plans don’t stop there.  He envisions a further expense by expanding the high speed service from Orlando to Miami.  One problem with that plan.  No one from Orlando goes to Miami.  New Yorkers go to Miami.  New Jerseyites go to Miami.  Germans, Russians, Brazilians, Bolivians, Equadorians, and Sean Penn go to Miami.  Orlando folk do not go to Miami.

    So ditch that one too Mr. President and take the money saved and spend it where rapid transit is really needed.  Us folks up north don’t need a bullet train to get to Disney World…just a way to get through D.C. on route 95 in less than a day and a half.  That’s change that Mickey would cheer and could help you recapture Massachusetts!

     Leave it to the Brits to come up with the euphemism of the month.  The Holiday Inn chain in England has announced a new service in three of their hotels in London and Manchester.  At no extra charge, the chain is offering a “human bed warmer” who will spend 5 minutes in your bed to bring it to the optimal sleeping temperature of 72 degrees.  Spokeswoman Jane Bednall explains that it is “like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed!”  Of course it is.  Exactly which “humans” will be doing the warming has not been decided, but in a preliminary company survey, 98% of male business travelers said that given a choice, like AC/DC sang… they “want a woman in red at the bottom of their bed!” 

    This may be just the shot in the arm  the travel industry needs.  Tiger Woods has already booked a suite for the month of April….”I swear Elin, she is just a “bed warmer.”

Curt Schiller responded to Martha Coakley claiming that he was a Yankee fan in his tweet today that read…”what does she know…she throws like a girl!”

Martha in the meantime e-mailed Tom Brady today and wished him all the best against the Colts next week-end.

      The Obama administration has notified GE’s subsidiary, NBC,  that it is issuing a restraining order against it’s obscene bonus payments to under-performing late-night TV hosts.  The administration is particularly upset with the fact that Conan O’Brien is being paid $30 million for five months work.  That dwarfs most pay-outs to Wall Street executives by a long shot.  “Let’s face it,” said a White House source, ” the stock market was only down 30% in a whole year, while O’Brien’s ratings were down 50% in just five months!”  

     The administration official rejected O’Brien’s claim that Jay Leno was the reason for his low ratings.  “That doesn’t float,” the official is reported to have responded, “at some point we all have to take responsiblity for our own actions.  I mean how would you  like it if the President of the United States kept blaming his predecessor for his problems?”

Here’s a flash….The Boston Globe just endorsed Democratic Senatorial candidate Martha Coakley!!  And they call it a NEWSpaper.  I have an idea…how about The Globe endorsing a Republican?  Now, that would be news!