Wry On The Rocks

With the number of women claiming to have had extra-marital sex with Tiger Woods now at eleven,  the allegations of sexual activity by Tiger  continue to pile up.  Allegations are also becoming more specific such as one former lover revealing that Tiger preferred his sex “rough” and particularly liked to pull her hair and spank her.   Most recently a Madam now claims that Tiger was partial to threesomes and would drop as much as $15,000 a week-end to engage in the pastime.

Despite all the damaging press, a spokesman for Nike claims that the company is still standing by Tiger.  “We view with great scepticism the allegations that are being leveled at Tiger from a group of obvious money seeking Bimbos and have no intention of dropping our association”, he was quoted regarding the latest claims.  “However”, he went on, “if we hear from one damn sheep all bets are off!”

     Reynolds American announced today that it has acquired Niconovum AB for $44 million.  Reynolds is the second largest tobacco company in the U.S. marketing cigarettes like Camel, Pall Mall, Winston and Kool.  Niconovum sells Zonnic, a product to help people stop smoking.  Did I miss something?  Is that like writing options against your main product?  Is it sort of like GM hiring Ralph Nader as President.

      How does the VP of sales for Niconovum convince the VP of sales for Camel that his 20% sales increase is a good thing?  And if Pall Mall sales increase, does that call for a lay-off of Niconovum employees?

    If this merger proves successful will we see McDonalds making a bid for WeightWatchers?  Perdue Chicken buying PETA? 

     Maybe Reynolds is taking a page out of the Don’s playbook; keeping their friends close, but their enemies closer.  Hopefully, the head honchos at Niconovum  don’t own any horses.

Nike just announced a big spike in the sale of their 9-irons.  Sales were particularly strong in Las Vegas, New York and L.A.  and seemed particularly popular with bar maids, hostesses and party planners.  In an effort to capitalize on the momentum, Nike is offering two models…the regular lofted 9-iron and the “de-lofted” 9-iron designed for the professional swinger.  Designated as the “Elin” and the “Elin Pro” , Nike predicts this club will become the rage!