Wry On The Rocks

        Following the most recent attempted terrorist attack on an airline (or the “visiting guest misconduct allegation” in Obama’s vernacular) , many major airports have announced that they will be installing full-body scanning machines within the near future.  Apparently, these devices ”see” through a traveler’s clothing ,thus revealing to TSA personnel any hidden explosive devices that the person may be carrying .  In other words, every adolescent boy of my generation’s fondest dreams…x-ray vision.

      While this may prove extremely useful in preventing future “alleged mis-conduct” there are several side benefits expected to result.  It is estimated, for example, that the average American will shed  24 pounds in the next six months, aiding the fight against obesity. 

    An immediate benefit has been a 300% increase in the number of men applying for TSA jobs.  On the other hand there has been a 120% jump in men refusing to be scanned when the temperature is below 32 degrees.

President Obama has been under fire recently by the African-American media complaining that he is not doing enough for one of his strongest constituencies.  In response, the President was quoted as saying that he, “can’t pass laws that say I’m just helping black folks….” 

Realizing that might sound condescending to some  ”black folks”  who don’t really consider him black, he  tried establishing bonds by admitting that , “while I didn’t hang with many black folks growing up, my mammy and I read Uncle Tom’s Cabin most every night when I was just a little picaninny.” 

He has also directed the White House chef to make sure that fried chicken and chitlins be served at least once a week ;  has declared March 20th, James Brown Day; and announced that he has  invited Sam and Dave to the White House to see if they couldn’t sort out their differences over a couple of beers.

Swiss watch maker TAG Heuer has just agreed to continue to feature Tiger Woods in it’s print ads for an annual fee of $12 million to be paid in monthly installments. 

Tiger is expected to make the first  payment to TAG Heuer on Jan. 1st.  The watch maker said that it agreed to the low rate they are charging Tiger because of “our long relationship with world’s best golfer.” 

Woods is reported to be offering as much as $30 million a year to any new corporate sponsor that is willing to feature him as a spokesperson.  As an added bonus, he is willing to agree to a morals clause that would prohibit sex with anyone whose job involves nightclubs, restaurants, churches, schools, entertainment, airlines, taxi cabs, limosines, party planning, the Playboy mansion or farms.

In a stirring acceptance speech in Denmark, President Obama reminded the audience of why he was The Chosen One for this year’s Nobel Peace prize.  Promising peace in the Middle East, the President vowed that, “make no mistake…I will bring peace to the entire Middle East including Afganistan….even if I have to nuke the little towelheads back to the Stone Age!”

Nevada  farmer Noah Krautt denied rumors that he was paid to keep quiet about an alleged week-end that Tiger Woods spent with his sheep.  “Ain’t never seen nor talked to the man”, claimed farmer Krautt when interviewed in his new Escalade with the custom surround sound system and cobalt rims.  “‘Sides”, he continued, “my sheep don’t mess around.  They’re like my family…sure a couple of ‘em liked to be spanked once in a while, but that don’t mean nuthin.  I mean listen,”  farmer Krautt continued after checking the time on his new TAG HuerSLR Calibre S Laptimer with the gold band and diamond bezel, “if you was the most famous athlete in the world, you gonna come out here in the middle of nowhere where there hardly ain’t no way to get here, ‘cept maybe that new airstrip behind the barn, just to be with a sheep…or two?

Farmer Krautt ended the interview by offering the reporters several cases of Gatorade.  “We don’t drink that shit no more!”, he said as he reached for his AT&T cell phone.