Wry On The Rocks

President Obama announced that after consulting with Tiger Woods’ wife Elin, he has named her to his strategy team for dealing with the war in Afghanistan.  The President was apparently greatly impressed with Mrs. Woods’ quick work in smashing the rear windows of her husbands SUV to extract him from the driver’s seat.  “It’s an exit strategy that I can believe in and the kind of thinking outside the box we need in the White House,” the Commander in Chief was quoted as saying.  “Make no mistake,” the President continued, “President Bush would have probably tried the driver’s door which is why we’re still in Iraq.  So, I’m pleased to announce today, and let me be perfectly clear here, that I have  approved a 9-billion-dollar budget to equip every one of our soldiers with a universal health plan and a Nike wedge.”

Apparently there are 2 types of math in America.  There’s the math they taught us in school…you know, the kind that says 2 plus 2 equals 4… the kind of math that most of us use in our daily lives.  Then there is the type of math that is used in politics.  The federal Head Start program recently announced that the $787 billion stimulus plan had saved 14,506  jobs.  A review of the details of those numbers showed that actually more than two-thirds of those saved  jobs were simply existing job employees who received raises!

Health and Human Services spokesman Luis Rosero explained the math this way…”If I give you a raise, it is going to save a portion of your job!”  He didn’t explain what portion, but Myrtis Mulkey-Ndawula, director of the federal sponsored program in Moultrie, Ga. explained it this way;  following White House guidelines, she multiplied her 508 employees by 1.84..the percentage pay raise they received…and came up with 935 jobs saved!!

Now if the Administration’s goal is to give the impression that the stimulus plan is working by counting raises as saving jobs, they are going to be down right giddy when they see the Wall Street bonus  figures!!  What is that percentage pay raise formula again?

Still waiting in line for your flu shot.  Well, here’s some good news for any Americans worried about Gitmo prisoners being located totheir neck of the woods…they’ve all been vaccinated for the H1N1 virus.  Except for the ones we flew to Bermuda.