Cover Your Mouth Please
Monday, January 5th, 2009COVER YOUR MOUTH PLEASE
The timing could not have been better. Just when I was waffling on whether to stick to my fruit and veggie diet following my holiday excesses I find that my weight gain has nothing to do with the extra helping of stuffing I had at Thanksgiving. My weight gain, in fact, was caused by a virus.
Yep, just as I was about to toss all good intentions to the wind and break open the Ben and Jerry’s, which of course would cause an onslaught of guilt, relieved only by several shakers of the duration-banned martini, science rode to my rescue. The Pennington Biomedical Research Center in Baton Rouge, Louisiana has just published the claim that fat tissue is enlarged by a highly infectious virus. The virus, named AD-36, infects the lungs, according to the study, and then spreads through the body causing fat cells to multiply. The head of the project, one Nikhil Dhurandhar, stated that the virus can be spread through a person’s coughing or sneezing and can cause sniffles and sore throats in the victims.
I always suspected it wasn’t the ice cream; all along it’s been that damn AD-36! I think that this study could very well be the answer to the economic stimulus this country needs; the very impetus that brings consumers back to the grocery aisles, fast food lanes and the much-maligned Twinkie. I know that I’ll be busy stockpiling Chunky Monkey.
This will be a giant boon to many new and existing hucksters. Any day I expect to see Billy Mays screaming at me that he has a product that not only wards off the AD-36 virus, but unclogs the sink, darns socks and removes unwanted hair. Or, maybe we’ll see a drug company ad featuring an obese couple holding hands while lounging in separate bathtubs before a setting sun while the sound track plays “Why Not Take All of Me”.
Yes, I see a giant mantle of guilt lifting over a large part of our populace. So, the next time someone sneezes near you…it’s OK, go ahead… have another piece of cheesecake. It’s not your fault.