Wry On The Rocks

Who knew that Hillary was a hunter?  This week she revealed in a speech that her “dad had taken her hunting when she was a young girl?”  There are many things about Hillary that are hard to imagine (she and Bill conceiving a child comes to mind), but trying to picture the New York senator stalking game with a 12 gauge is very high on the improbable list.  This may rank up there with her earlier claim that she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary following his victorious climb of Mt. Everest.  Of course, the fact that she was born 5 years before the climb shouldn’t stand in the way of a good story.  Presumably, her parents simply referred to her as “the girl” until he made his climb.  I guess they didn’t know any famous hunters back then.  Good thing for her because Irwin would have been an even dumber name than Hillary.  Next she’ll probably regale us with tales from her days at Wellesley, back when she used to roast Armadillos in her dorm room with her hair dryer.

Their appears to be some funny business going on in the chocolate industry in Germany.  The German Federal Cartel Office is investigating charges that the major chocolate manufacturers such as Nestle, Kraft and Mars have colluded in price fixing.  Authorities have recently seized documents at major chocolate player Ritter Sport.  However, Ritter Sport spokesman has vehemently denied any such collusion.  The spokesmans name?  Petra Fix.  Nah, nothing going on there.

What has happened to Tom Brady?  If you lived anywhere in New England for the past 6 months, you couldn’t go five minutes without hearing, reading, seeing or otherwise experiencing a full sensory onslaught about number 12 and his current and his ex and his baby and etc.  But talk about your fickle press.  One lousy loss and suddenly he gets less press than Dennis Kucinich. 

Actually, I don’t consider that a bad thing.  Quite frankly, I was a getting a little tired of reading about Tom Terrific.  I think the shot of him carrying flowers to the latest member of the Patti Boyd club was the final straw.  What the hell was that all about for chrissakes!  Joe Namath had a fifth of bourbon the night before his big games.  Bobby Layne had a fifth of bourbon during his big games.  A bouquet of flowers?  No wonder the guy got sacked six times.  Talk about giving the opposing defense motivation.

So, if the sudden moratorium on all things Brady is a good thing, how can we get the presendial candidates to disappear?  If familiarity breeds comtempt, then  Hillary, Barack, John and Mike could wind up being the most disliked Americans of the 21st century.   Is CNBC really covering  live speechs by Barack or Hillary?  Hasn’t she been wearing that same yellow out-fit for a couple of months now.  I think they’re holed up somewhere in the Caribean somewhere having a good laugh.   But, I am truly non-partisan in my campaign fatigue and disgust.  If I have to watch Huckabee play the damned bass guitar one more time I’m going to gag.  It’s only February and I feel like these clowns have been running for office my whole life. 

I think what the country needs is a Super Bowl for politicians.  If the states can move the primary day up, I think the public should be allowed to move up the general election day.  Why should we have to put up with this endless posturing for another nine months.  Do we really think we’re going to hear anything new?  I propose we move the election day up to January 31.  Better yet, let’s move it to February 31st!

Think all medical procedures have become too expensive?  How would you like free surgery?  Massachusetts hospitals have made free medical care easy.  All you need to do is have your surgeon remove the wrong body part.  That’s not all.  THe Mass Hospital Association has generously agreed not to charge for a total of 8 procedures.  If for example, your doctor leaves a foreign object in your body…no charge.  Or how about if you die because of a medication error…again absolutely no charge.  Send a baby home with the wrong parents…perform surgery on the wrong patient…inseminate with the wrong donor seman…?  Yes, yes and yes, all perfectly free.  Don’t you feel much better now.  Dr. Lucian Leape, of the Harvard School of Public Health, believes that, “…this is a very important step.” 

My question is how much did the doctors charge in previous years for some of these procedures.  Exactly what was the charge for removing the wrong organ?  Or operating on the wrong patient?  And am I entitled to a rebate if a class ring is found in my liver from a previous operation?

Here’s a warning to all Yuengling & Son beer drinkers…it can seriously affect your ability to see clearly.  Not in the usual sense.  Pat Noone, an executive at Yuengling brewery was just named New England Patriot fan of the year after 30 years of driving 7 to 10 hours from his Pennsylvannia home to every Patriot home game.  Not enough you say?  Right.  How about the fact that he built a replica of the Patriots locker room complete with a urinal in his home.  Still not enough?  How about a 9 foot wooden bear painted as #52, Ted Johnson, in his front yard?  Or the Pats logo insribed in his wedding ring?  Still wouldn’t give him the award?  OK, how about he told his then wife-to-be that she would always be #2 in his eyes to the Patriots.  Enough?  And the Patriots actually encourage this sort of behavior?