The New York Stock Exchange today announced that you can now lose your money much faster than before. The Exchange customers can “now see trades executed within five milliseconds compared to 103 milliseconds previously.” This is an effort to improve their position in the competitive world of trading firms and bolster their image.
I have an idea to improve their image: how about not referring to stock transactions as executions !
I recently needed some electrical work done at the house and I finally realized the answer to the age old question…how many electricians does it take to replace a light bulb? Answer: three..one to hold the ladder, one to screw in the bulb and one to talk on the cell phone.
Did something get lost in the translation? The fastest growing airline in Central Europe, according to the Wall Street Journal, is Hungarian Airlines Wizz Air. Now, it may be the best airline in the world for all I know, but I’m not flying on a plane with a name belonging to a Saturday morning TV show. “Hey, boys and girls, lets all go to Munchin Land. Close your eyes and flap your arms real hard ’cause we’ll be flying on…Wizz Air!”
What’s next….Polish Air announcing the launch of Sky Scooter? TeleTubbies serving free KoolAid? No thanks…I’m sticking with American or Delta or United! (I’m still working on Virgin Air although I’d probably feel safer with an airline called “Been Around the Track a Few Times Air” or “You’re Not The First Big Guy Airways”)
Jack, the best CEO in the history of the World, Welch has announced a new venture. No, it doesn’t concern a new book which reveals that he’s the best CEO in the history of the World, or another high paying speaking engagement in which he explains that he is the best CEO in the history of the World or even a television appearance in which he talks about his place as the best CEO in the history of the World. No, Jack, the best etc., Welch is joining forces with Michael K. Clifford to enter the higher education business. He has taken a 12% stake in Chancellor University System, an on-line university which will offer both under-graduate degrees and an MBA degree from the Jack Welch Institute …named coincidently for the best CEO, etc.
Mr. Clifford, or Dr. Clifford as he likes to refer to himself, is also head of several other companies that operate 3 other universitys…Grand Canyon Education, Ashford University and University of the Rockies. Mr. Clifford, now 55, has an interesting background for a higher-education chief, including a background in broadcasting, telecommunications and work with evangelical leaders. What “Dr.” Clifford does not have in his resume is a college degree. He never went to one. I guess there’s no point to pay to go to college, when you can own one. Or more. I wonder if that’s going to be part of the curriculum at the $21,000 Jack Welch Institute?
The Boston Globe Saturday’s magazine section has a full page ad on the back cover promoting Father’s Day. The “pitch” is in the title “celebrate your family patriarch.” It then proceeds to advertise two books and a family photo of Ted Kennedy. Now I realize that the Kennedy’s are noted for large families, but are they so big to warrant a full page ad to promote their patriarch to the off-spring?? I mean I know my father and trust me, he is no Ted Kennedy!
In Hingham, Ma., a man that was seen the last several months walking his dog every day has gone missing. The dog was spotted walking the same route as usual, but without his owner. The owner of the dog has now been missing for several days despite an exhaustive search effort. I wonder if any one else has noticed that the dog is a St. Bernard?
Former Playmate Brande Roderick recently hosted a contest at the Boston night spot The Estate, in which a lucky female recipient won a free boob job…worth about $10,000 according to the donating boob surgeon. The announced winner was one Corrine Gallagher, who apparently gave the best reason for breast enhancement.
Former Playmate Roderick was delighted with the whole affair. “I think it’s good to find out the real reason women want it”, she was quoted. “You don’t want someone getting it for the wrong reasons!” Like what for example, Brande….? She wants to be a Playmate?
Soap should be smooth. Soap should be white with rounded edges to fit in your hand. Soap should not be bought in a store with the word “au” in it’s name. Soap should be bought in an A&P and should be wrapped in plain paper; soap should not be wrapped like a birthday gift. Soap should not smell like perfume; it should sting when it gets in your eyes. Soap should only come in a liquid dispenser in public places like gyms or prisons…I know who has been in my shower.
So no more of these, OK?
Good. Now, did I mention the hair in the sink?
The quote of the week has to be from Harvard senior Jim Crossen, from Davenport, Iowa. ”No one ever told me I was poor until I got to Harvard!”
A new government study confirms what most of us already knew; cellphone usage is out-pacing landlines in U.S. household. 20% of all U.S. households have no landline at all…only a cell phone…while only 17% of households have a landline and no cellphone. This is most prevelant among persons age 25 to 29; the study found that 40% of this age group only use cellphones.
Here’s the part I don’t understand…the study was undertaken by the Center for Disease Control. With the threat of a worldwide pandemic brought on by Swine Flu, the CDC is doing phone studies? I don’t care how many phones the 25 to 29 year-olds have, I want important stuff, like how many pigs have used a phone in the last 30 days! Or how long should I wait to use a phone after eating pork! So, I say back to the clipboards CDC and give me something I can use.
Just when I thought the Globe had forgotten all about Tom Brady, he’s back in full force. He’s once again the center-fold in the Names section of the Globe…and once again, yep, publicly canoodling with Gisele what’s-her-name. You should note that it appears in the same issue as the announcement that the Globe will not be shut down as previously threatened by the New York Times. Coincidence?? Not really. Apparently, Mark Shanahan & Meredith Goldstein, editors of Names, have been promised the sought after life-time employment if they feature Tom ”the canoodler” Brady at least once a week.
You know the marketing guys at Anheuser-Busch are getting a little long in the tooth when you read that they are going to build a whole campaign around table tennis, more popularly known as ping-pong. The boys at Bud have heard that ping-pong is really cool again and they aim to cash in with a series of national tournaments culminating in finals to be held in Las Vegas. They have partnered with the Mark Gordon Company which produces “Grey’s Anatomy” which, while I have never watched, I don’t think has anything to do with ping-pong. But, showing that he’s up on the-whats-happening-now scene, Gordon Company exec Jordan Wynn claims that ping-pong has sex appeal…”It’s taking on this cool cultural space of short-shorts and retro headbands…..” Retro headbands?? Short-shorts?? No question you’re hep to the in-crowd, Jordan. You don’t happen to be sporting a duck-tail hair cut by any chance?
I don’t know what game the retro headbanders are playing in St. Louis, Augie, but now that you’re owned by a British company, something obviously got lost in the translation. I think it’s entirely possible your instructions were to start sponsoring a game the Brits call PINT PONG and the first word got garbled in transmission. Over here it’s called BEER PONG, Augie…or just PONG…no paddles needed. Just a ball and lots of beer!
Best advice at this point…send duck tail boy back to TV land and back off the ping pong thing. Trust me…Forrest Gump was not a beer drinker.
If you happen to be in D.C. today you have the fortunate opportunity to see a special exhibit of hairballs at the National Museum of Health and Medicine! Over 20 different hairballs will be on display including those from cats, cows and little girls. Can’t make D.C. today? It’s OK, you can view a graphic display of hairballs at their web-site..assuming you don’t want to keep down your lunch. Believe it or not, hairballs have been used in many cultures for years as an antidote against poisoning. In China, for example, ground-up cow hairballs, properly known as bezoars, have been used for over a thousand years to treat ailments such as disease of the mouth. Probably a good idea not to ask what’s in the spring rolls next time you order out.
It just occured to me that I haven’t seen a picture of Tom “the canoodler” Brady or his million-dollar model in days. No wonder the Boston Globe circulation is dropping like a stone. How the hell can you sell papers in Boston that are Brady-less? I know that the paper’s been filling up the pages with shots of Kevin Costner and Ben Affleck roaming around various Boston locations filming their new movie, but is there a single shot of either of them canoodling? Message to the Globe…new pictures of Brady and whats-her-name before the week is out or cancel my subscription. I’m going back to the Enquirer.
The 113th running of the Boston marathon took place today with 26,331 runners signed up for the 26 mile race. I don’t get it. The whole running thing. I tried it once and didn’t like it. It was in the 9th grade when every red-blooded Florida boy was expected to go out for track. I was told to run the mile. Nobody else wanted the job. Cool guys did not run the mile. Cool guys pole-vaulted or ran the hurdles or sprinted in the 100-yard dash, but they did not run the mile. I ran the mile. I ran the mile with fellow competitors, most of whom wore thick glasses and shorts two sizes too big.
Actually, to claim that I ran the mile is a bit of a stretch. The only instruction the coach ever gave me was to pace myself. I was never good at running, but I was the best damn pacer you ever saw. In fact, I think I still hold the Orange County record for pacing the mile. You know how marathoners are always trying to out-do their “personal best”…their PB? My PB was finishing before the bus left!
(read more of this day at www.wrysandwherefores.com)
